Dear Michelle

Dear Michelle, Reading this blog from day one is best....so start with the earliest date of: 7/9/2013. If it angers or hurts you...then stop. I don't want that. My goal was to try and help us resolve some misunderstandings. That's all. If this doesn't turn out that way...then just don't read it. I have never meant to hurt you. I love you. -Charissa

A final goodbye?

So, it has been several months since I started this blog. My intention was to go through my life with you and try to understand why you could be so angry at me. My goal was to have it done and to let it go by the end of the year. I have learned the following: 1. We are very very different people with very different lives. 2. Neither one of us is fully responsible for these drastic differences. It was a result of time/space. We were from two different "families". There is nothing we can do to change that fact. When I was older and on my own with money struggles, you were younger and still under the care of parents and struggling with things of a younger persons nature. I had already hurdled over those humps...you were just beginning to. It will almost always be that way because of our age difference. When I went into another room and cried when you had told us you were engaged...I went there so you didn't have to see me hurt. I was very happy for your but had just left a very hard relationship. I had been engaged once and I went through hell trying to come to terms with it. I had fresh "wounds". It was only natural for me to feel a little sad when I heard your good news. I was struggling with coping with a lost engagement when you gave me the news. I never cried because I was unhappy for you. I hid and cried in private because I was sad for me. I'm sorry you came in and saw me cry. I tried to hid my pain from you. And when you got mad at me for not being at your bachelorette party....I was eating from cans of tuna. Literally...I lived paycheck to paycheck and cans of tuna were $0.15 at the time. I remember feeling so horrible that I couldn't afford the original idea to take you to Vegas for the party.....and then I still couldn't afford to rent a townhome, limo and stripper for it. All I could afford was a quick drive to come to see you and maybe a small present (maybe a McDonald's cheeseburger with extra pickles). I didn't tell you the sorrows of my life as to why....I just had to decline from the extravagant event that I couldn't be a part of because I was not able to afford it. If I did...I would have gone in default on my home and to me it wasn't worth it for a night of drinking and stripping. I made a wise decision for my life and I don't regret it. To come and visit you for one night...without a townhome involved would cost me well over $500.00. Why? Because I had 4 dogs and a cat to board. Mom wouldn't let me bring them so I had no other options if I wanted to come for a night out. I had to decide that being at your wedding was more important. That brings me on to Thanksgiving of 2012. Dustin and I just bought a new house...literally signed the papers less than 3 months earlier to your new Thanksgiving. You decided to invite everyone to your place in DC after asking me about it. I told you we were staying home that year to enjoy our new home (and the money issue) and to have a nice holiday with our dogs and 1 year old daughter. Toddlers are not good for long drives. I didn't get off of work until Thanksgiving day and didn't have Monday off. It would have been stressful financially and mentally for us to make the over 12 hours of traveling. I do not regret making that decision. I have had to deal with your cold shoulder ever since. I tried to explain it to you but you just even more pissed and when you brought Kaylee into the conversation....it was over. In my world, you played unfair. I tried and tried to explain my reasoning and it never seemed to work. I could have sworn that I tried every loving way to let you know that I loved you and that us not coming to your house for Thanksgiving was just a better decision for our family situation at the time. ...it just never worked. I want you to know that I never ever did anything to intentionally hurt you. I was always trying to "save" you when you were younger and I made decisions to "save" me and my family (Dustin, Kaylee, furry pets and I) as I grew older. So here I am..typing a blog to you. I wish for you to find a happy and healthy life with a minimal amount of sadness and anger. We both had enough of that as children. I don't know what to say to you to "fix" whatever it is that went wrong. You told me to leave you alone....so that is what I've tried to do. I forgive you for hurting me (when you used my daughter in an "argument") and just have accepted that we are two people from two different worlds that are apparently destructive to one another when we talk. I speak a different language than you and apparently hurt you without knowing it and you do the same for me. We just butt heads I guess. You don't agree with my decisions and I don't agree with many of yours. That's ok. We are allowed to be different. I don't hate you because you are different or think differently than me. I don't want to ever be accused of hurting you because I have never EVER ever tried to do that. EVER. So perhaps your way is best....and it is the way I'm able to cope with now. Distance is safe. No contact is almost safer...that way I can't possibly do or say anything that will cause you pain or anger or resentment. I don't ever want to feel like I did at Marie's shower. I felt that you were exceptionally mean (and so did others) and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in disbelief about the whole thing. I have tried to understand and make sense of all that has happened in the last year and the only thing I've learned is that we are just different. Now is not the time in our lives where we can support one another I guess.....so we need to separate and not be a poison to one another any longer. I agree with you. Your way is right. I have resolved to be cordial to you if I see you at family gatherings just as I would with any other member of the family. This is best for both of us. I will not hate you and I will not impose on your life. I'm here if you ever need me. I will try to do the best I can to help you if you ever reach out. I will always take care of myself and my family needs first and then you come immediately after that. I would be no use to you if I don't take care of me first....so that's the only reason I would say "me first".....just so I can be there when it really counts. I will respond to you if you text me/email me...but it will always be short and simple to prevent any misunderstandings. If you REALLY need me, a phone conversation or face to face is the route. I'm am horrible with email and text...HORRIBLE. Trust me on that. I will stay away now. I will think of you from time to time and probably check you out online to make sure that your still rockin' the free world. :) I don't want to hurt you Michelle. I don't know how to make you happy. I do love you Michelle. I love you.

A new home!

The day we got to watch a giant hole get dug into the ground and a new foundation poured was exciting! It felt like we were almost a "normal" family. I remember going to visit our new ranch home in disbelief that we were "rich" enough to have our own home. We were still close by our old trailer park...but this time we would live on "the other side of the tracks"....the "better" side. We had space to play and I could wander down to the woods and still play. I remember very little of "us" and I remember that you had a room across the way from me. I remember you had a little friend who lived down the street and that we built a swing set in the backyard for you. I remember having birthdays and Christmas and family gatherings in the garage. I remember a lot of good times. Usually you would be playing with my younger cousin Marie, Jen and Jason. I generally would be with the older cousins. I think this all made sense considering our age difference. I remember you being a very energetic girl at these types of outings. You like people and you like to talk. You liked to play and you liked to get your way. I can hardly remember how old I was at this age...I think it must have been shortly after Ray entered our lives so it would have had to have been near 8th or 9th grade for me. I remember we use to go to the basement to play because it was so big. I would imagine how cool it would be to have a bowling alley down there. We turned it into a skating rink instead.....I learned how to skate backwards down there around those support poles. You were still in elementary school. Actually..I think you were just in 1st or 2nd grade. I remember mom taking us to your little holiday play/chorus thing once. I remember you were always very busy with kids your own age and playing a lot down the street. I was learning to drive and always going out with my new high school friends. Time went by fast. I remember at some point that you didn't want to live with us any longer and moved in with your dad. I remember feeling like mom was letting go of another kid when that happened and it made me sad. I lost another sibling....but it was easier the second time for me. Experience does give you a certain numbness to similar situations sometimes. I remember that just as I was getting ready for college my blood brother, Rick, had come back into our lives. It was very exciting and very strange at the same time. My Rick was still in 1st grade and/or the fun brother I got to play with when we were 12 in Oklahoma on a summer visit (my one visit with him). We were both so innocent when we had last met and the new Rick was a big shock to me. I wanted to badly to love him endlessly and give him hugs and kisses......but he was different. He was angry and careless. He would be on high on drugs (I think it was crack) and he just wasn't someone I would ever expect to see. I was easily angered by him when he would show up because I knew his actions were hurting mom. She went through a lot of bullshit trying to be a mother to him and he just kept coming back worse (in my opinion). I remember mom gave him a new pair of shoes and then he took them back to the store...got cash and bought drugs. He worked at a hotel where his habit was just fed. He was in a very bad way and I had no idea what to think or do about it other than to be pissed that he would dare come and take advantage of our mom like that. That was a moment when I decided she was our mom...not his. If she was his mom.....he would have never done such a thing. I realize now that this thinking was immature...because a mom is always a mom once she is a mom. I was to young to understand something like that so for a while...I was mad at mom for continuing to give and love this drug addict who just entered our lives. I was mad a you for being to young to see what was going on and for you being mad a me for not talking to him until he got clean. He finally got clean after I was already off to college and started my new adult life. I was lucky to see you and him sparingly throughout the rest of my life thus far. I remember someone in the family telling me that you smoked pot and drank alcohol. You were only 12...or 14...I can't remember. I remember crying and being so upset because I knew it was true. I was only home for a brief visit and there was nothing I could do. You lived in VA now...out of reach. I knew I had to do something though....so I snuck into mom's room late at night (just after I found out) and woke her up. I didn't want Ray to know. I cried and cried and told her that my baby sister was into drugs. It makes me cry now because I was trying to "save" you. I wasn't a "party" kid...so I didn't understand how you would have been one. A part of me blamed Rick for his influence on you. I knew it wasn't from me. At that time, I didn't even know what pot smelled like....but my baby sister did. It wasn't jealously....it was true concern. I didn't want to see you go off on the same path/struggles as Rick. I wanted you to stay "pure and innocent". I never in my life would imagine that this move would make you hate me well into present time. I just couldn't believe that you would hold a grudge against me for trying to help you when you were little. I still don't understand how it hurt you. I got someone who loved you to pay more attention to you and hopefully try to help you. I don't know what happened after I told mom because I was back off to college.....but I wouldn't change the fact that I told her EVER. The other challenging thing for me was when you came out of mom's bathroom during one of my visits and I happened to go in after you. In the toilet there was the remnants of vomit. I had suspected that you had a problem but you were very protective and secretive about it. Once again, I as faced with a dilemma. What to do? I lived far away....what could I do? I tried to approach you but got a cold shoulder. There is only one person in my live who I know loves you more than I do who knows us both....that was mom. So yes....I talked to mom about it because I had no idea what else to do. I didn't want to lose my baby sister to an eating disorder. I didn't and don't understand why you had one. I always thought you were so skinny and beautiful. You naturally have a thin body so why/how in the world could you ever think you were fat? I will never understand it as you do. We are just very different people. I was off in a different world and you had a new brother to visit on weekends. Erie was a very long drive to come an visit me for both mom, Ray and you. At this point in our lives our age really made a difference. You were just entering middle school and I was already in college. There were so many things that I would have loved to have had someone to talk about too...but you were in middle school...so I naturally chose friends my own age and had started my own journey. I would hear from you and mom occasionally. Mostly mom would call every couple of weeks and I would hear or see you on holidays. I remember you visited me once in college when I had my pink hair. I have a picture of this moment....which is why I remember it. I like it...because you got to see me be a "rebel" with my hair and we got a very rare snapshot of us together. You were so young! I was a wild and crazy college kid. By the time you entered college, I was already well into a new career and struggling with more adult things. Michelle, I'm sorry that our lives didn't make us sisters that way you wanted it to be. Our lives were not laid out on a path of what someone would consider typical sisterhood. We weren't taught to nurture each other in a typical sisterly way because we lived two very different lives.....totally not our fault. I don't blame you for anything that caused our distance from one another. It is just there because of circumstances beyond our control. By the time we became adults and able to "fix" things in our world...the "damage" had already been done. I was talking to someone the other day about you and when I mentioned you were 8 years younger....the immediate response was "Wow...that's like two different families.". That person hit the nail on the head.

The doublewide in PA, and a note from you?

I was a bit surprised to see an email from you the other day. "Hi, Heard it through the grapevine another little Daman is on the way! Just wanted to say congratulations, I hope all is well. Things aren't the best between us, we'll still be sisters no matter what. I'm very happy for you guys!" is what you wrote. I suppose it's a start and definitely goes against your swearing to never have anything to do with me again. I know you are hurt from me unfriending you on facebook (to be discussed later) but I felt I had no choice. You brought one of the most precious things I have ever been blessed to have in my life, unfairly into a conversation and used my daughter to make me feel guilty because I wasn't doing something you wanted. That was crossing the line and to boot you completely ignored her and me at a family baby shower....even though I said hi and tried to talk to you. You turned a cold shoulder. I was done trying at the baby shower. I sent you the short note afterwards as a last ditch effort to get you to come around and then just gave up. I realized my energy was better spent focusing on positive things in life....so I started this blog to help release you from my life...but here you are again. My reply was simple, safe and honest. "Thank you. It's nice to see your email." I suppose I wish that you would call and say that you are sorry and you can see why I make the choices I do and accept me for that...but I think that takes a lot of courage and I'm not sure you are ready for such a big step. I tried calling you, talking to you in person, emailing you and getting someone else to let you in on my thoughts......but it all failed so I gave up. I am stubborn once I give up. I feel like giving up on you is similar to getting rid of an old boyfriend. It was time for me to move on. I had to redefine "sister" in my world and accept you as you are in my world. That's where I'm at. I'm going to continue the blog to try to still bring resolution to us and I will just go with the flow from there. I can tell you that although I love you, I don't find it necessary to invite you so easily back into my life. It reminds me a lot of what I went through for years with my birth father. He would come and go out of my life and I'd let him hurt me again and again. I just won't do that ever again. It's a very tough thing that I know you do not understand. When I tried to express that to you last time you got angry and thought I was just saying your life is so much easier than mine. I dont' understand that mentalility. From my perspective, I was trying to let you know my history so you knew my actions and or feelings towards certain things. I was searching for truth and understanding and somehow you saw it as a competition of sorts. I would never want to compete for the worst life. I'd much rather spend my energy making decisions for a better life for the future. For me, I need to know that you truly understand how hurtful the things you have said and done this past year are and believe that you are genuine in your intentions to be "sisters". If I can't be myself around you and make decisions for my family (Dustin/Kaylee/newbaby) without being attacked by you, then I won't have you in my life. That is not an easy pill to swallow but it is something I had to do before with my real father and hopefully not with you. It is something you think of all the time but know it is better and safer to be without. It is all a part of a situation that neither you or I started but it is something we can do something about. It's just about a shift in perspective. I'm waiting for you to see it too. I'm no expert but I'm willing to try if you put forth the effort. This is my effort along with the other stuff I did. MOVING ON... When we moved back to Pennslyvania from Maryland, things were more stable. At first we lived with Uncle Jeff (R.I.P.) and Aunt Joyce. I think we stayed in the finished basement but I honestly can't remember....or maybe I was just there for before and after school. I really don't remember. I remember being at their home A LOT and I remember being made fun of by some mean boy on the bus because I somehow got scabies on my legs and wasn't allowed to shave for awhile. He called me sasquatch. He was very mean and his name was Paul...that's all I remember. I had no one to talk to about it because we had just moved back. I was in 6th grade and just had turned 12. You were just 4....we live different lives. I was talking to someone the other day and she said that having kids 8 years apart is almost like having two seperate families. I truly believe that. I wish you would see that and understand that I was just kid in a different world than you even though we have the same mother and lived under the same roof. I just can't grasp the fact that you are angry at me for some things that I never knew even impacted you (like locking yyou out of my room when I was a teenager and you were still a baby). Anyways, Mom was able to make enough money to rent some land in a trailer park and buy us a brand new double wide home. I think the place was called Country Meadows. It was suppose to be a retirement community but that slowly did not last. I remember being so excited because I would have my own room, no more sharing with you or cousins and it was something we owned. I remember standing in awe in her new master bath. It was huge! A nice garden tub and I couldn't wait to take a bath in it. I learned quickly that it was mostly mom's bath and we shared the one down the hall. It was shortly after we moved into this trailer that mother met Ray. We spent some nights at his log cabin house in the woods and most weekn nights in our trailer. We got a deck built on the trailer and we had a pool that we could go to. During the summer I remember being home alone a lot. I have no idea where mom took you but we were seperate. I spent my days going to the pool and learning how to play basketball (street basketball). I would buy a gallon of water and drink the whole thing as I played for nearly 5 hours on the blacktop. I also would go out, when we would visit Ray's house, and play in the woods for hours upon hours alone. I would explore every last little crook, creek and cranny. I loved the woods. It reminded me of when I lived in Virginia and would play in the woods. I suppose you were always with mom at this point. I was always out exploring the world and you were just learning about the world. I was still pretty introverted and didn't really talk to adults at the time. I was still angry about a lot of things. I remember mom asked me if I wanted to go to beauty school to learn how to do my hair and makeup and stuff. ....uhhh...NO. I think she was trying to help get me out of my shell. I'm glad she tried. She finally found something that did it. Summer Camp. This was a major life changer for me. I found a save place to share my love for the woods with other similiar kids. I fell in love with camp like nothing I have ever had before. AFter the week of camp was over I was so distraught that I couldn't stop crying. Ray noticed the drastic impact on me and paid my way for the next week. I got to go back and I love to this day for that. Summer camp saved me and helped make me have the positive outlook on things that I do today. You were too little to share this experience with me. I'm sorry you missed this part of my life Michelle....it was fantastic and I do wish I could somehow help you experience it in some way because I believe it would have helped you too. Somewhere in this time of 6th and 7th grade, there was a girl at school (Shannon) who would make fun of my big eyes. I remember feeling so small and hurt by her mean words. I looked around once at an assembly and she got right in my face and said:"Oh my GOD you have HUGE FROG EYES!". Some of the boys around her laughed. I never thought my eyes were pretty until I grew up enough to know better. Being a new girl in a huge school was difficult...especially a new girl from "Germany". The culture her was different. There were kids that knew each other since kindergarten....I could only dream of a realtionship like that. I was truly an outsider. To make things worse, Mom insisted on brushing my hair. Curly hair and brushes do not go together. Never have and Never will. I was a huge poofball. I remember one time I had saved all my allowance to buy these white leather K-Swiss shoes. The second day I had them, I had gym class. When I came back in from class someone had stolen my shoes. I flipped out. It was my one and only flip out in a public place. I was so pissed. I used the F-bomb all over the place and kicked a garbage can. I was so angry. I had worked and saved so hard to buy those and some asshole stole them. I spent the next month looking down at shoes to try and find them with no success. It sucked. You were too small for me to talk to about it. I was alone...but I don't ever blame you for that. It is just what it is...that's all. Well...I have to go now.

AFTER Germany. Our life continued.

Dear Michelle, I am up very early on a Saturday morning and thought of you. I found out that I am now pregnant with Baby #2 and realized that I need to continue this blog to help me heal from your absence and to accept that you could be gone forever. I will be ok with that because this blog is helping me realize a lot of things that just helped you and I fall into the situation that we are in. I'm ok with accepting that we are two different people and are polar opposites. We were raised at two completely different times by almost two different families or means. We've been acquaintances, for lack of better words, for most of our lives. That's ok. It happens. We've been struggling to make this relationship into something we think it should be rather than just accepting it as it is. I don't think we should be upset by anything now. Perhaps it is my preggo mind talking...but it makes sense and I have a sense of peace about it. You are my sister but that doesn't mean anything other than we share the same mother and some of the same memories. I have had several friends throughout my life that I have had similar experiences with and I'm completely accepting that they are no longer in my life. They were gifts in my life and there in the moment of my life that I needed them......and so are you. I'm ok with that. We are around for one another when we need it and no more thought than that should go into it. Right now, I use your actions as a catalyst to review my past and to forgive your hurtful intentions. The hurt is my problem. I'm the one that feels it and I'm the one that deals with it. Perhaps it makes you feel better and that is what you have to do for yourself. I forgive you if you don't realize how your behavior, in my world, is completely inappropriate and mean. I hope that you can see one day how that came to be. I think that maybe you have some deeper demons to deal with and I am just an easy comfortable target for your hurt. My challenge is to see how I handle it. For my own health, keeping minimal contact with you is the answer. I don't know how you got the the point you are at but I know you are in no way ready to admit it to me. I know you want to be loving and that you love the idea of a perfect family. I guess I've just realized that the imperfect things in life really are the most perfect things for the world at the moment. I believe in the balance of the world and that there is a reason for every movement and every action. We don't have to necessarily like what is going on, but we would be idiots to not learn from it. So...AFTER GERMANY: I vaguely remember living with Grandma and Grandpa for a short little blurb of time. We moved to Maryland and live with Aunt Janie for a little while until mom found us this really tiny and pretty crappy little apartment. I only say crappy because I remember that it was near a junkyard, there was a cat I called "kitty" that always smelled like tar and begged for food (my little friend), and slugs would come in under the door and crawl into mom's slippers during the night. It was a tiny dark little place. You were 5 or 6. I was in 5th grade. Mom made a deal with the catholic school (St. John's) to get me to go there for free. We just had to agree to go to the masses. I'm not a fan of catholic school. There is no creativity in it. No individualism and I am most certainly a free and individual thinker. I remember they got made because I was smart enough to wear sweatpants under my "lovely" maroon plaid skirt on the coldest of days. The teachers didn't like that I figured out to wear shorts under my skirt so I could do flips and play on the swings. I refused to wear those stupid looking maroon pants. Who does that? Maroon plaid pants? Really? No way was I going to do that. I outsmarted them and they let me know their distaste for it. I think I learned to be a rebel there. I learned how important it was to stand up for what you believe is right and as an adult I see how important it is to encourage, rather than inhibit, this sort of free thinking. I guess that school was good for me after all. I have to say I don't remember you at all during this time. I remember we shared a tiny little closet of a room that mom painted some Disney characters in to make it more cheery. We shared a bunk bed, me on top and you on the bottom. I remember always bumping my head on the ceiling. I remember I kissed a boy behind mom's truck one day (so she couldn't see it). It was a quick peck and he was the junkyard owner's son. He intrigued me because of that. I remember pouring salt on the door stoop to keep the slugs from coming in and I remember asking mom for two dollars so I could use it with my allowance to buy her flowers for mother's day. I somehow figured out how to call a florist and order it all....and thank goodness they did. Mom, to this day, remembers it...and that makes me feel proud. I helped her feel better in one of her darkest times. I remember seeing her a little tipsy once. It's the only time I have ever, in my life, seen her tipsy. She was going on a date with a guy and I was left alone at the house. I don't think I was baby sitting you but I couldn't be sure. I barely remember you there. I must have been so focused on just surviving and trying to make sense of this drastically different way of life. I remember I started menstruation, shaving my legs and got constipated for the first time in that dark little hole. We had a very ugly couch too. Everything in my memory of that place is dark and dusty. When I think of it today, I think of the word "alone". I must have been so lonely and lost. This was a very dark time for mom and I. I learned how to play the recorder and I remember I had one friend. Her name was Nicole. She was a bit of a rebel too and she rode the bus with me. I would pick the bus up from Aunt Janie's. One day Nicole's dog had to be put to sleep because he lost his lower jaw after being run over (a German Shepard). It was raining that day and I remember telling her that the rain was her dog's tears for her. I also remember a short time later telling mom that the reason there were so many dead squirrels on the side of the road was because they "missed" the branch across the road they were aiming for. Mom found it hysterically funny and couldn't stop laughing at "how cute" it was. I've always been a pretty good thinker and a creative inventor. I see that now. I am proud of that. My life was unstable and mom was barely holding it together. Part of the reason my husband and I have decided to stay home for the holidays is to help provide my daughter and (mostly) me with a sense of stability. It's a memory we can start now to create. A stable moment in each year that is consistent and unchanging. Change is good, but too much change leaves one wishing for a more dull life sometimes. I think my need to stay in my own home with my own family for the holidays is a healthy was to restore stability to my life to make up for the instability as a child. I am glad for this revelation because it makes me even more sure that our decision to stay, although making you angry, home for the holidays was the absolute best decision we could have made. I still don't remember you Michelle. I must have blocked you out when your father took you away from me as a sister. He made it clear that you were his and I was not. I belonged to nobody but mom. I had lost my real father, my adoptive father, my best friend brother and now my little sister along with countless friends left behind. I guess after that much loss a little kid just shuts down. It appears that I did because it was all that I could do to even make the memories mentioned above. I'm sorry that this happened to me Michelle and that I was not able to be there for you. I'm sorry that I, as the 11 year old, was not able to give you memories as the three year old that you were. I just did the math...you were THREE. I wish I could somehow have made you more pertinent in my memory and maybe been the sister you expect but I was eleven and you were three and we were both victims of unfortunates circumstances in our lives. I so wish that you could see that and not hold it against me because I certainly don't hold it against you for being three. Recently you accused me of thinking my life was so much worse than yours. I'm not sure you know my life or me for that matter in order to say something so hurtful. I've never tried to compete to see whose life was worse. I've only used my past to try and help me understand my present and make a better future. I've used it to try and help others see how the past affects us, including you, in the decision we make. I just don't know how sharing that somehow made you think I was trying to "compete" and compare us to one another. Selfishly, I'm more concerned about myself and my own life, for myself, rather than trying to compare myself to someone who is completely different than me. It just doesn't make sense. I have no reason to ever try and "compete" with you. You and are are from completely different planets and there is no comparison. I am me and you are you. We dont' have to like it but it is certainly no reason to be hateful towards one another. I just don't understand why you are so angry with me because I don't fit your definition of what you expect of me Michelle. I'm sorry that I disappoint you but I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I like who I am and I believe I do good and right things. That's all that really matters Michelle. If you do what you think is good and right, then it is for you. I truly believe if you feel deep down happy about your actions and feel no anger then you are doing the right thing. I don't, however, believe that you are at the point. I think you are very angry because I see it in your actions, your tone and your facial expressions. Others see it too. I wish there was some way I could help, but I've realized that my life is about me and your life is not for me to try and "solve" or help. I'm here if you need me, but that is your move to make, no mine. I'm not in the business of telling others how to run their lives. And I'm certainly in no position to try and share my life stories with someone who speaks a completely different language than me. If I had all the time in the world, then perhaps I would learn your language or help to teach you mine. I'm sorry that I just can't do that for you Michelle. I hope you find your happiness. Ironically, if you ever read this, I feel like me hoping you will find your happiness will just make you mad. I'm not implying that you aren't happy, there is always more happiness to be obtained in the world. In fact, I believe there is a shortage....and I hope you find more. I love you Michelle. I hope you are doing well. Next time, our next move will be to the double-wide in PA. I have some memories of you, but not a whole lot. We will see what the next post will bring.

Sick again...

Sorry Michelle, once again my body and my life has taken over so I was unable to write. I have a systemic infection that has been sapping me of energy for over a year. The good news is that I think I finally found the cure, which unfortunately means avoiding delicious sugary deserts! I promise that I will get back to you! Aside from my own health, poor little Kaylee got sick and my dog Sadie needs to get surgery. Through all this, I still remember you are my sister and think about how you are doing in your own world. I wonder what challenges you might be facing that have caused you to be filled with anger at times. What have you faced since you've become an adult? I know of a few, but I don't know the intricacies. I heard that you were seeing a therapist. I hope that it has helped you. Believe me, when you face serious health issues, have children and dog problems, you definitely need all of the clarity and all the health that you can grasp to continue marching forward. This sickness in me has caused a lot of tears but I know I will be ok because I have a strong support system through my husband, my daughter, my best friend and mom/dad. I always have someone who can listen when I just can't seem to put the pieces together anymore. Just the other day I had a client of mine ask if she could pray with me. Now I'm not a huge religious freak by any nature, but this was something I will never forget. She prayed for my body to heal and I cried. I cried because what she did was so loving. She took time to pause and think about me. Someone I barely know was filled with love for me at that moment. I sure hope the moments that I take to think of you and how you are doing can somehow reach you. You've shut me out but I have so much love that I can provide you if you were willing to listen and work through understanding things with me. We both had a time in our lives where we shared the same turmoil. I'm sure there is a way we could battle to help one another together instead of avoiding a painfully uncomfortable face to face conversation. I'm sorry that I don't know how to reach you Michelle. I love you.

Monday

Dear Michelle, Today is a very busy day and I just don't have the time or energy to spend it on you. Sorry, I have a two year old with swim lessons, clothes to clean from our camp weekend and exhaustion to catch up on. My family commitments come before you. My family is my husband, my daughter and myself. My second family of concern is you, mom, dad (Ray) and everyone else. I learned to "triage" my priorities with family a little after I got married and a lot after I had Kaylee. One day I hope you understand why you can't be my main focus of attention and that you are still important to me and that I love you. Good luck with today Michelle, I hope it treats you kindly. I'll be thinking of you.

Dear Michelle, I didn't have a chance to write you yesterday because I have a two year old daughter, Kaylee, who keeps me very busy. She hates riding in the car for long periods of time which is one reason we decided holidays are for home. Our home is near Pittsburgh. I remember being married without a child and how easy it was to travel anywhere you wanted. With a daughter, things are much different. You start to really value the home you work so hard to pay for and the time you get to relax in it. I'm so happy to have a nice new home. I remember we were always moving around as kids and never had the stability of staying in one place. It was hard changing schools all the time and learning to meet new friends just when you had gotten use to your old ones. The one good thing about moving around all the time is that it allowed me to meet so many different types of people and allowed me to be more of a global thinker. I am very thankful for that. I moved pretty much from birth all the way until I was 13 years old. That's 13 years of moving. Here is where I've lived: Texas, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Germany, Virginia and I think Oklahoma but I'm not sure. I have faint memories of my grandmother's farm when I was very very young. I remember we had a birthday party for Rick that they had a game where you sat on balloons. That party is forever etched in my memory because I have been afraid of blown up rubber balloons popping ever since. Within that list, I had moved in and out of Pennsylvania twice. It's crazy to think I moved so many times in thirteen years. Germany was one of the more interesting places I have lived because of the rich forests and the castles. Castles are pretty cool. When we moved to Germany I was 10 and you were two. I just remember being in 3rd grade where I had a teacher that had taught her yellow lab that knew the times table up to multiples of four. He would bark the answer...if you said 2x2, he'd bark four times. It was pretty cool. We use to walk to a playground for recess. You and I had a live in maid, Eizing...(I have no idea how to spell it). She was very nice, very skinny and an excellent cook. She would take you and I to the playground. You use to love to swing, just like Kaylee likes to swing. Swinging was pretty much all we could do together. At this age you began to talk and I remember you use to love watching DUMBO. I hate that movie. I think I didn't mind it at first but then I remember that your father would just interrupt whatever I was watching (Thundercats) to put DUMBO on so you would stop bugging him. It was ok at first but after a million times watching it and interrupting Thudercats.....a 10 year old just breaks. In Germany we had a lot of toys. I remember that I use to collect Swatches. I had close to seven of them before we abruptly left Germany in the middle of the night (one of my worst memories ever). Germany was where I first played softball and I was so excited to get my team uniform, then I played with my ball without a glove and dislocated my pinky and fractured it. Mom took me off the team. I never played softball on a team again. I was so sad. I couldn't talk to you about it because you were 2....so I talked to my 10 year old friend "Pee Wee". It's funny because we all just called him Pee Wee and I have no idea what his real name is. I also had a good friend named John who taught me Tetris on the computer (He was rich because he had one!). I also remember playing by myself a lot in the back yard of our apartment complex. There were two big bushes that made a perfect hideout for me and my friends. I would play there alot. One time I was sitting just outside of the bushes playing with clovers (probably making a necklace) when a bunch of ants literally had crawled up my pants. I freaked! I ran inside screaming bloody murder and scared the crap out of mom, who had a guest over at the time. She threw me in the shower and put on the water. She saved me. I'm actually glad you were 2 at the time so you have no memory of it...and can't make fun of me about it. :) It was pretty crazy. There use to be a PX and a little stand behind our apartment too. I LOVED to get the chili and cheese nachos from that place. They were so good. I have never had such good nachos ever again in my life. I also haven't had those delicious candies called sour tongues since I lived in Germany either. Nothing matching them. I doubt you remember any of this because this is when I was 10. You mention to me that you had nightmares when you were 10. I don't remember nightmares but I do remember bullies. One time, in fifth grade, an eighth grader took my backpack from me and chased me all the way home. I was so upset. I couldn't come to you because you were 2. Mom helped me. She actually hid in the bushes of the school with our german shepard (Gal) and scared the crap out of those kids. She told them that if they ever bothered me again she would let Gal loose on them. I never knew that until we were older. I'm glad she did that though. She kept me safe. I remember having one more altercation with that kid when he took my "My Pet Monster" lunchbox. I loved that thing. He took it and tried to play monkey in the middle and then threw it down into a ditch. I yelled at him and told him to give it back and no teachers or anyone helped....so I jumped on his back and pulled his hair and scratched him until he agreed to get my lunchbox and give it back to me. I stood up for myself and that kid never bothered me again. Stupid kid. He was the brother of my first boyfriend (Jeremy). It would have been nice to have a brother or sister to help me.....but you were 4 and Rick was in Oklahoma. I don't hold any of that against you or him. We are just victims of our situation and I dealt with the best I could. I never really thought "what if" and held grudges because of it. I never thought that was productive....it just didn't make sense because there is nothing I could do about the past but I definitely could do something about how I viewed it and how I dealt with the circumstances in the future. I remember Mom and your dad use to take us to the Luwidberg Castle to the fairytale themepark part of it. We would go and feed the goats and I would take you down the slide (super fun) and we would jump on fake lily pads. It was a very very cool place. We went there a lot. Enough times that I remember us there. We also went to a place called Holiday Park. That was a much bigger commercialized park. It had dolphins and we got these cool blue noise tubes there. I remember one time we were playing with the tubes and a large group of adults outside of our apartment complex. A bunch of birds started to come our way and you and I and all the kids yelled at everyone to "Take Cover!" because as kids playing outside we had learned that they poop when they fly by. All the adults just laughed at us.....well...we laughed even harder when three adults all got pooped on! They believed us then! Germany was a really neat place. It came to a very frightful end. We had lived a very rich and fruitful life there...even in that small apartment. One night Mom and your father were fighting. I remember it vividly because it was the first time I ever swore at an adult. I don't know what they were fighting about, I just remember seeing your father grab mom violently at her upper arms (just above her elbow) and shake her violently and push her against the counter. I was so upset that I said "Get your fucking hands off my mother!". This made them pause for a moment and Mom, in a panic, realized we needed to get out of there (you and I). She quickly said to me to grab my sister and take her upstairs to Liz's. Liz was her very best friend in Germany. She was originally from Australia and had a little orange Pomeranian that I loved. I immediately picked you up and began to head for the door...when (I will never forget this..EVER)...when your father abruptly took you from my arms and said: "YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME!". My heart sank. Two things had happened here. I wasn't his daughter. You were definitely not so much mine anymore either. In an instant, a moment of no thought, I lost a father (AGAIN) and I lost my little sister. I can't describe to you the pain that it causes me today to think of this moment. It's something you will never remember because you were 4 or at most 5. I cry now as I'm thinking about it. Michelle, it's not your fault and it's not my fault. I never meant to hurt you and I know you never meant to hurt me as a child. We are victims of bad choices that adults made in our lives. I so badly wish you could feel that love that I have for you instead of being so angry at me for not doing the things you unfairly expect of me. I can't fix that hole in your heart. You have to find a way to heal within. It will never fully heal because you just simply can not change the past. It's what makes us who we are and as strong as we are in other aspects of our lives. After that, Mom took us to the military police where I had to relive the whole thing over again by telling them what had happened. I remember gasping for air and barely being able to speak to tell them as I told them the whole story again. I was so upset. My world, in moments, had fallen apart. Everything I had learned to trust as safe and stable and secure had cracked. I felt alone and confused. I felt so sad and so hurt. What was happening? Why did he do that? The next thing I remember was that I was woken in the middle of the night and mom had packed my little red suitcase. I had my blanket and my "LE Mutt" stuffed animal. We were escaping Germany. We were leaving in the middle of the night...again...only this time...I would remember everything. I remember leaving my friends, my toys, my house......just left in the dust. I cried and cried and cried. I left my father...my second father. My real father, ironically had also lived in Germany the time we were there and he only visited me once, that I can remember, and he was late for that date. At least your dad always came home.....but we left. I would never see my father (your dad) again. I would only ever see Lyle, your father, when he came to get you for weekend visits. I belonged to no one....just Mom, you and me now....but you would leave sometimes....so it was Mom and I. I remember feeling like something was so wrong with me that Lyle wouldn't want me too. But I wasn't made with his blood. I came from someone else and even my birth father didn't want me. Talk about lonely. I was. I was angry. I stayed angry for a long time. I had to make all new friends and go through all new bullies. The bullies were not as bad..the worse they could say was that I had frog eyes. But still....all new again. When we got back to the States, we stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. I barely remember it because I had shut down. I remember Grandpa wanting to kill me because I burned a pan or something like that. LIke I said...I shut down. Just like I had lost memory of the abuse from my real father, I had lost memory of everything happening after Germany. I completely shut down and I truly don't remember much. I will try and write what I remember about coming back to the states in my next post. Today is enough. In the end, Germany was rough. I learned that you can only ever count on yourself......and I struggle with trusting others to this day. I wonder if you even remember Germany. It would have been nice to have a sister to go through with during all this....but you were just 2 or 3. You were just learning the language. I was dealing with much worse things simply because I was more aware. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you more love or more support Michelle. I was just a kid trying to pick up the pieces in a broken world. I'm sorry Michelle. I love you.

Living in Virginia, you were 1 or 2 years old

Dear Michelle, I don't remember the exact dates, but I remember this is when I had the first friend that I could remember. Ironically, her name was Virginia. We live in a row of townhouses with woods in the backyard. It was the first place I could go out on my own and discover nature. I remember I had a secret island tree along a creek that ran on the backside of the townhouse property. it had a great gnarly root and beautiful moss. I would go there a lot and think and investigate. I shared it with my two little friends, whose names I can not remember, who lived two townhouses down from us. I remember catching a lizard in their back yard and how it dropped out of my grasp running but left a squiggling tail in my hand! I was always intrigued by that lizard. I remember mom use to make me salad with carrots and French Dressing. I remember I got sick one day and all that salad didn't agree with my little body. I've never eaten salad with French dressing since and it took me until I felt guilty at age 18 to eat salad again. I felt guilty because it was an expensive prom dinner...thank goodness because I do like salad...just not French dressing. These are things I would have loved to have shared with you....but those blasted 8 years between us. You were just 1...maybe younger....how could I expect you to be involved. I didn't. Actually, I struggle with memories of you in this place. I struggle with memories of mom too. I remember one thing about your father here....he would read with me every night before I went to bed. EVERY night. We would cuddle up in my bed and read a Chapter. He would read, then I would read. I remember being so excited when it was my turn to read and admiring how smoothly and animated he could read. We read the whole Ramona Quimby series. I learned to love reading. It's a wonderful gift that he gave me. He showed me, for a brief moment, what a father could be. Virgina was the first place I challenged my limits with the law. My friend Virginia dared me to call 911.....so I did. I found out I was a good actress and that calling 911 was NOT a good idea. I got in a lot of trouble. I also remember I had a little blower accordion type thing. I LOVED it. It disappeared one day and I was so sad. I had no one to tell.....you were too small. I say this because in our last conversation (when I am 35 and you were 27) you had a lot of angst towards me because I closed the door on you when you were 10 or 11 or something like that. You mentioned you would have nightmares and come in my room and I would chase you out. You've been holding on to this memory for over 17 years...... and it obviously hurts you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was 18, ready to go to college and not thinking of a little sister. When you were 1 or 2, I remember holding you once but I had to sit down to do it. That's it...that's all I remember. I feel as though your angst towards me when I was 18 and you were 10 is sad. I feel like I could, if I wanted to, hold something against you for being 1 year old when I was 9 years old because I couldn't talk to you about nightmares or sadness. I don't hold anything against you for that....I never even thought about it until you mentioned about when you were 10 and felt I had neglected you. I ask you to please look, again, at those 8 years between us. I'm so sorry it is that way. But you being 10 and me being 18 is no different then you being 1 and me being 9. We were never there for one another, NOT because of choice, but because of circumstance. I simply can not change those years between us. If I could, to heal your pain, I would. I'm so sorry you felt neglected by me Michelle. I was a teenager ready to take on the world and become an adult. A relationship was never fostered with you and those 8 years have a lot to do with it. Could I have taken you in and calmed your nightmare fears....YES.....but no one ever taught me to do that. That is something that is fostered and learned too. Our family did not teach this. Our family did everything it could to stay as one unit as much as possible. When I say our family.....it's just you, me and Mom. That's the core unit for us. I'll talk more about the days when you are 10 later. Now back to Virginia...I learned how to bite the candy coating off of Reese's Pieces and M & M's (back when they still made brown and light brown) to make them into Barbie burgers. I remember thinking I had just invented something spectacular when I did that. There use to be a water drain out back in that property too. It's the first time I remember being scared to do something and scared of imaginary trolls. I don't remember if I ever went through the "tunnel", but I remember thinking of doing it and almost doing it several times. It was either here in Virginia or just before Mom met your father in Carlisle that Mom took me to my piano teacher. I remember he was missing parts of his fingers, had crazy hair and was most definitely a hoarder. Mom would take me to this little hole in the wall, literally a closet of sorts, and there was just enough space to get to the piano bench. Surrounding me and my teacher was stacks and stacks of books and old music. It was very dark and dingy. I learned to play by the light of the piano. This is all I remember of this time. That's it. I'm sorry I don't remember you so much here. I was exploring our world and learning about nature. I'm sorry Michelle. I wish I could change it.....but if I did, who would I be today. So maybe I don't wish for that change for me...but for you. I wish you had a sister closer to your age or someone that could have helped you deal with life's hills. A navigator by your side.

Memories of when you were born....what I remember.

Dear Michelle, Even though you have grown up and estranged yourself from me, you can not estrange my memories. Unfortunately, due to my own troubled childhood, many of my memories have been supressed. Fortunately, what I do remember of you when you were very young is a lot of good stuff. You were born in May 1985. I remember, for the first time, my first Christmas after you were born. I think your birth may have finally been a message to me that my life would be normal. If you didn't know, it was pretty hectic before you. I had moved several times, had a father who tried to kill me as a baby, beat me as a toddler and neglected me for the rest of my life. My best friend, my brother Rick, was ripped away from me. I remember vividly the day he was taken away. It hurts me today. The adult Rick I know now is a stranger to me all because of the decision of two parents that I had no control over. The adult Rick I met hurt me because of bad decisions and drug use that he struggled with. He didn't change until I had moved and the chance for any reconciliation was over. Time had passed and I had moved away. As a child, as Rick became a distant memory, I was given you...a baby sister. Someone to love again. Someone to care for and someone to care for me. Maybe she would catch fireflies with me and put them in a milk bottle as a night light, like I did with my brother before. Maybe she would be my best friend. You replaced a hole when you were born. Before you were born, I had already established a mechanism to erase bad memories from my life. I have no idea what the mechanism is, but I do know that I remember more good than bad and the bad, I easily forget. I remember your baby crib and how you would cry. At the time, I was 8 years old. It wasn't until adulthood that I would realize how those 8 years ahead of you would impact our relationship. I remember my first 4th of July with you....that's the year I got lice and was taken to the doctor's. We lived in a little ranch that your father had before my mother met him. Our Christmas tree was to the right of the entry door and I remember I got my first cabbage patch kid. We had a very tiny house. The basement was kind of gross and there were often mouse droppings found throughout our stuff. In garage, I had two guines pigs, Sugar and Godfree. I don't know what happened to my guinea pigs after we moved from that house. I'm sorry to say that I don't remember much else...but I'm happy to say that it is more than I remember of my entire life before that. I can count on my hand the memories without you. It would take a thousand years and more to count the memories after you. It is sad to think that you choose to so easily severe a lifetime of memories. I have always said I love you and that you can call me or email you....and I will say it again today. Michelle, I love you. You can call me or email me...heck you can come to my front door. As long as you don't attack me, you are always welcome. And even if you attack me, I will still love you from afar. I love you Michelle. I hope you find the solace that you are looking for. That's enough for now. Tomorrow, I will remember Virginia and Germany. Then Maryland and finally Pennsylvania.

What the heck is this?

THIS is my way of dealing with a sister who is in some part of her life where she just can't see love. I'm doing this for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm so sick of people saying that it's a personal issue or that they are "going to stay out of it." - How do we progress as giving and loving humans if we don't hear one another's hurts and issues and try to help and learn from each other? Sure, it's not comfortable, but come on world. I say GET INVOLVED. I just can't stand one more person in this world estranging themselves because they can't learn how to put themselves into another person's shoes or are afraid to face the things that hurt them. I'm sick of it. This is me reaching out. 2. I hope somehow this will help me heal from the pain that has been caused from actions that can not be taken back. (Story to follow...) 3. Maybe someone out there will know what I'm going through and feel comforted that they aren't the only one who struggles with this type of issue.....and one sided adult "rivalry". I'm going to be bare bones honest and let no stone unturned. Remember this is mainly for me...but if it helps you....it's for you too. What to expect: LOTS of words. Very few photos. LOTS of words. Did I mention a lot of words? Ok...so my next entry will be something about the beginning. I'm going to start from the beginning which is May 9, 1985....the day my little sister was born. The same year I got a cabbage patch doll for Christmas and the same year I got a scar on my chin for being a daring kid. This is for us Michelle. I love you.