The doublewide in PA, and a note from you?

I was a bit surprised to see an email from you the other day. "Hi, Heard it through the grapevine another little Daman is on the way! Just wanted to say congratulations, I hope all is well. Things aren't the best between us, we'll still be sisters no matter what. I'm very happy for you guys!" is what you wrote. I suppose it's a start and definitely goes against your swearing to never have anything to do with me again. I know you are hurt from me unfriending you on facebook (to be discussed later) but I felt I had no choice. You brought one of the most precious things I have ever been blessed to have in my life, unfairly into a conversation and used my daughter to make me feel guilty because I wasn't doing something you wanted. That was crossing the line and to boot you completely ignored her and me at a family baby shower....even though I said hi and tried to talk to you. You turned a cold shoulder. I was done trying at the baby shower. I sent you the short note afterwards as a last ditch effort to get you to come around and then just gave up. I realized my energy was better spent focusing on positive things in life....so I started this blog to help release you from my life...but here you are again. My reply was simple, safe and honest. "Thank you. It's nice to see your email." I suppose I wish that you would call and say that you are sorry and you can see why I make the choices I do and accept me for that...but I think that takes a lot of courage and I'm not sure you are ready for such a big step. I tried calling you, talking to you in person, emailing you and getting someone else to let you in on my thoughts......but it all failed so I gave up. I am stubborn once I give up. I feel like giving up on you is similar to getting rid of an old boyfriend. It was time for me to move on. I had to redefine "sister" in my world and accept you as you are in my world. That's where I'm at. I'm going to continue the blog to try to still bring resolution to us and I will just go with the flow from there. I can tell you that although I love you, I don't find it necessary to invite you so easily back into my life. It reminds me a lot of what I went through for years with my birth father. He would come and go out of my life and I'd let him hurt me again and again. I just won't do that ever again. It's a very tough thing that I know you do not understand. When I tried to express that to you last time you got angry and thought I was just saying your life is so much easier than mine. I dont' understand that mentalility. From my perspective, I was trying to let you know my history so you knew my actions and or feelings towards certain things. I was searching for truth and understanding and somehow you saw it as a competition of sorts. I would never want to compete for the worst life. I'd much rather spend my energy making decisions for a better life for the future. For me, I need to know that you truly understand how hurtful the things you have said and done this past year are and believe that you are genuine in your intentions to be "sisters". If I can't be myself around you and make decisions for my family (Dustin/Kaylee/newbaby) without being attacked by you, then I won't have you in my life. That is not an easy pill to swallow but it is something I had to do before with my real father and hopefully not with you. It is something you think of all the time but know it is better and safer to be without. It is all a part of a situation that neither you or I started but it is something we can do something about. It's just about a shift in perspective. I'm waiting for you to see it too. I'm no expert but I'm willing to try if you put forth the effort. This is my effort along with the other stuff I did. MOVING ON... When we moved back to Pennslyvania from Maryland, things were more stable. At first we lived with Uncle Jeff (R.I.P.) and Aunt Joyce. I think we stayed in the finished basement but I honestly can't remember....or maybe I was just there for before and after school. I really don't remember. I remember being at their home A LOT and I remember being made fun of by some mean boy on the bus because I somehow got scabies on my legs and wasn't allowed to shave for awhile. He called me sasquatch. He was very mean and his name was Paul...that's all I remember. I had no one to talk to about it because we had just moved back. I was in 6th grade and just had turned 12. You were just 4....we live different lives. I was talking to someone the other day and she said that having kids 8 years apart is almost like having two seperate families. I truly believe that. I wish you would see that and understand that I was just kid in a different world than you even though we have the same mother and lived under the same roof. I just can't grasp the fact that you are angry at me for some things that I never knew even impacted you (like locking yyou out of my room when I was a teenager and you were still a baby). Anyways, Mom was able to make enough money to rent some land in a trailer park and buy us a brand new double wide home. I think the place was called Country Meadows. It was suppose to be a retirement community but that slowly did not last. I remember being so excited because I would have my own room, no more sharing with you or cousins and it was something we owned. I remember standing in awe in her new master bath. It was huge! A nice garden tub and I couldn't wait to take a bath in it. I learned quickly that it was mostly mom's bath and we shared the one down the hall. It was shortly after we moved into this trailer that mother met Ray. We spent some nights at his log cabin house in the woods and most weekn nights in our trailer. We got a deck built on the trailer and we had a pool that we could go to. During the summer I remember being home alone a lot. I have no idea where mom took you but we were seperate. I spent my days going to the pool and learning how to play basketball (street basketball). I would buy a gallon of water and drink the whole thing as I played for nearly 5 hours on the blacktop. I also would go out, when we would visit Ray's house, and play in the woods for hours upon hours alone. I would explore every last little crook, creek and cranny. I loved the woods. It reminded me of when I lived in Virginia and would play in the woods. I suppose you were always with mom at this point. I was always out exploring the world and you were just learning about the world. I was still pretty introverted and didn't really talk to adults at the time. I was still angry about a lot of things. I remember mom asked me if I wanted to go to beauty school to learn how to do my hair and makeup and stuff. ....uhhh...NO. I think she was trying to help get me out of my shell. I'm glad she tried. She finally found something that did it. Summer Camp. This was a major life changer for me. I found a save place to share my love for the woods with other similiar kids. I fell in love with camp like nothing I have ever had before. AFter the week of camp was over I was so distraught that I couldn't stop crying. Ray noticed the drastic impact on me and paid my way for the next week. I got to go back and I love to this day for that. Summer camp saved me and helped make me have the positive outlook on things that I do today. You were too little to share this experience with me. I'm sorry you missed this part of my life Michelle....it was fantastic and I do wish I could somehow help you experience it in some way because I believe it would have helped you too. Somewhere in this time of 6th and 7th grade, there was a girl at school (Shannon) who would make fun of my big eyes. I remember feeling so small and hurt by her mean words. I looked around once at an assembly and she got right in my face and said:"Oh my GOD you have HUGE FROG EYES!". Some of the boys around her laughed. I never thought my eyes were pretty until I grew up enough to know better. Being a new girl in a huge school was difficult...especially a new girl from "Germany". The culture her was different. There were kids that knew each other since kindergarten....I could only dream of a realtionship like that. I was truly an outsider. To make things worse, Mom insisted on brushing my hair. Curly hair and brushes do not go together. Never have and Never will. I was a huge poofball. I remember one time I had saved all my allowance to buy these white leather K-Swiss shoes. The second day I had them, I had gym class. When I came back in from class someone had stolen my shoes. I flipped out. It was my one and only flip out in a public place. I was so pissed. I used the F-bomb all over the place and kicked a garbage can. I was so angry. I had worked and saved so hard to buy those and some asshole stole them. I spent the next month looking down at shoes to try and find them with no success. It sucked. You were too small for me to talk to about it. I was alone...but I don't ever blame you for that. It is just what it is...that's all. Well...I have to go now.