A new home!

The day we got to watch a giant hole get dug into the ground and a new foundation poured was exciting! It felt like we were almost a "normal" family. I remember going to visit our new ranch home in disbelief that we were "rich" enough to have our own home. We were still close by our old trailer park...but this time we would live on "the other side of the tracks"....the "better" side. We had space to play and I could wander down to the woods and still play. I remember very little of "us" and I remember that you had a room across the way from me. I remember you had a little friend who lived down the street and that we built a swing set in the backyard for you. I remember having birthdays and Christmas and family gatherings in the garage. I remember a lot of good times. Usually you would be playing with my younger cousin Marie, Jen and Jason. I generally would be with the older cousins. I think this all made sense considering our age difference. I remember you being a very energetic girl at these types of outings. You like people and you like to talk. You liked to play and you liked to get your way. I can hardly remember how old I was at this age...I think it must have been shortly after Ray entered our lives so it would have had to have been near 8th or 9th grade for me. I remember we use to go to the basement to play because it was so big. I would imagine how cool it would be to have a bowling alley down there. We turned it into a skating rink instead.....I learned how to skate backwards down there around those support poles. You were still in elementary school. Actually..I think you were just in 1st or 2nd grade. I remember mom taking us to your little holiday play/chorus thing once. I remember you were always very busy with kids your own age and playing a lot down the street. I was learning to drive and always going out with my new high school friends. Time went by fast. I remember at some point that you didn't want to live with us any longer and moved in with your dad. I remember feeling like mom was letting go of another kid when that happened and it made me sad. I lost another sibling....but it was easier the second time for me. Experience does give you a certain numbness to similar situations sometimes. I remember that just as I was getting ready for college my blood brother, Rick, had come back into our lives. It was very exciting and very strange at the same time. My Rick was still in 1st grade and/or the fun brother I got to play with when we were 12 in Oklahoma on a summer visit (my one visit with him). We were both so innocent when we had last met and the new Rick was a big shock to me. I wanted to badly to love him endlessly and give him hugs and kisses......but he was different. He was angry and careless. He would be on high on drugs (I think it was crack) and he just wasn't someone I would ever expect to see. I was easily angered by him when he would show up because I knew his actions were hurting mom. She went through a lot of bullshit trying to be a mother to him and he just kept coming back worse (in my opinion). I remember mom gave him a new pair of shoes and then he took them back to the store...got cash and bought drugs. He worked at a hotel where his habit was just fed. He was in a very bad way and I had no idea what to think or do about it other than to be pissed that he would dare come and take advantage of our mom like that. That was a moment when I decided she was our mom...not his. If she was his mom.....he would have never done such a thing. I realize now that this thinking was immature...because a mom is always a mom once she is a mom. I was to young to understand something like that so for a while...I was mad at mom for continuing to give and love this drug addict who just entered our lives. I was mad a you for being to young to see what was going on and for you being mad a me for not talking to him until he got clean. He finally got clean after I was already off to college and started my new adult life. I was lucky to see you and him sparingly throughout the rest of my life thus far. I remember someone in the family telling me that you smoked pot and drank alcohol. You were only 12...or 14...I can't remember. I remember crying and being so upset because I knew it was true. I was only home for a brief visit and there was nothing I could do. You lived in VA now...out of reach. I knew I had to do something though....so I snuck into mom's room late at night (just after I found out) and woke her up. I didn't want Ray to know. I cried and cried and told her that my baby sister was into drugs. It makes me cry now because I was trying to "save" you. I wasn't a "party" kid...so I didn't understand how you would have been one. A part of me blamed Rick for his influence on you. I knew it wasn't from me. At that time, I didn't even know what pot smelled like....but my baby sister did. It wasn't jealously....it was true concern. I didn't want to see you go off on the same path/struggles as Rick. I wanted you to stay "pure and innocent". I never in my life would imagine that this move would make you hate me well into present time. I just couldn't believe that you would hold a grudge against me for trying to help you when you were little. I still don't understand how it hurt you. I got someone who loved you to pay more attention to you and hopefully try to help you. I don't know what happened after I told mom because I was back off to college.....but I wouldn't change the fact that I told her EVER. The other challenging thing for me was when you came out of mom's bathroom during one of my visits and I happened to go in after you. In the toilet there was the remnants of vomit. I had suspected that you had a problem but you were very protective and secretive about it. Once again, I as faced with a dilemma. What to do? I lived far away....what could I do? I tried to approach you but got a cold shoulder. There is only one person in my live who I know loves you more than I do who knows us both....that was mom. So yes....I talked to mom about it because I had no idea what else to do. I didn't want to lose my baby sister to an eating disorder. I didn't and don't understand why you had one. I always thought you were so skinny and beautiful. You naturally have a thin body so why/how in the world could you ever think you were fat? I will never understand it as you do. We are just very different people. I was off in a different world and you had a new brother to visit on weekends. Erie was a very long drive to come an visit me for both mom, Ray and you. At this point in our lives our age really made a difference. You were just entering middle school and I was already in college. There were so many things that I would have loved to have had someone to talk about too...but you were in middle school...so I naturally chose friends my own age and had started my own journey. I would hear from you and mom occasionally. Mostly mom would call every couple of weeks and I would hear or see you on holidays. I remember you visited me once in college when I had my pink hair. I have a picture of this moment....which is why I remember it. I like it...because you got to see me be a "rebel" with my hair and we got a very rare snapshot of us together. You were so young! I was a wild and crazy college kid. By the time you entered college, I was already well into a new career and struggling with more adult things. Michelle, I'm sorry that our lives didn't make us sisters that way you wanted it to be. Our lives were not laid out on a path of what someone would consider typical sisterhood. We weren't taught to nurture each other in a typical sisterly way because we lived two very different lives.....totally not our fault. I don't blame you for anything that caused our distance from one another. It is just there because of circumstances beyond our control. By the time we became adults and able to "fix" things in our world...the "damage" had already been done. I was talking to someone the other day about you and when I mentioned you were 8 years younger....the immediate response was "Wow...that's like two different families.". That person hit the nail on the head.