Living in Virginia, you were 1 or 2 years old

Dear Michelle, I don't remember the exact dates, but I remember this is when I had the first friend that I could remember. Ironically, her name was Virginia. We live in a row of townhouses with woods in the backyard. It was the first place I could go out on my own and discover nature. I remember I had a secret island tree along a creek that ran on the backside of the townhouse property. it had a great gnarly root and beautiful moss. I would go there a lot and think and investigate. I shared it with my two little friends, whose names I can not remember, who lived two townhouses down from us. I remember catching a lizard in their back yard and how it dropped out of my grasp running but left a squiggling tail in my hand! I was always intrigued by that lizard. I remember mom use to make me salad with carrots and French Dressing. I remember I got sick one day and all that salad didn't agree with my little body. I've never eaten salad with French dressing since and it took me until I felt guilty at age 18 to eat salad again. I felt guilty because it was an expensive prom dinner...thank goodness because I do like salad...just not French dressing. These are things I would have loved to have shared with you....but those blasted 8 years between us. You were just 1...maybe younger....how could I expect you to be involved. I didn't. Actually, I struggle with memories of you in this place. I struggle with memories of mom too. I remember one thing about your father here....he would read with me every night before I went to bed. EVERY night. We would cuddle up in my bed and read a Chapter. He would read, then I would read. I remember being so excited when it was my turn to read and admiring how smoothly and animated he could read. We read the whole Ramona Quimby series. I learned to love reading. It's a wonderful gift that he gave me. He showed me, for a brief moment, what a father could be. Virgina was the first place I challenged my limits with the law. My friend Virginia dared me to call 911.....so I did. I found out I was a good actress and that calling 911 was NOT a good idea. I got in a lot of trouble. I also remember I had a little blower accordion type thing. I LOVED it. It disappeared one day and I was so sad. I had no one to tell.....you were too small. I say this because in our last conversation (when I am 35 and you were 27) you had a lot of angst towards me because I closed the door on you when you were 10 or 11 or something like that. You mentioned you would have nightmares and come in my room and I would chase you out. You've been holding on to this memory for over 17 years...... and it obviously hurts you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was 18, ready to go to college and not thinking of a little sister. When you were 1 or 2, I remember holding you once but I had to sit down to do it. That's it...that's all I remember. I feel as though your angst towards me when I was 18 and you were 10 is sad. I feel like I could, if I wanted to, hold something against you for being 1 year old when I was 9 years old because I couldn't talk to you about nightmares or sadness. I don't hold anything against you for that....I never even thought about it until you mentioned about when you were 10 and felt I had neglected you. I ask you to please look, again, at those 8 years between us. I'm so sorry it is that way. But you being 10 and me being 18 is no different then you being 1 and me being 9. We were never there for one another, NOT because of choice, but because of circumstance. I simply can not change those years between us. If I could, to heal your pain, I would. I'm so sorry you felt neglected by me Michelle. I was a teenager ready to take on the world and become an adult. A relationship was never fostered with you and those 8 years have a lot to do with it. Could I have taken you in and calmed your nightmare fears....YES.....but no one ever taught me to do that. That is something that is fostered and learned too. Our family did not teach this. Our family did everything it could to stay as one unit as much as possible. When I say our family.....it's just you, me and Mom. That's the core unit for us. I'll talk more about the days when you are 10 later. Now back to Virginia...I learned how to bite the candy coating off of Reese's Pieces and M & M's (back when they still made brown and light brown) to make them into Barbie burgers. I remember thinking I had just invented something spectacular when I did that. There use to be a water drain out back in that property too. It's the first time I remember being scared to do something and scared of imaginary trolls. I don't remember if I ever went through the "tunnel", but I remember thinking of doing it and almost doing it several times. It was either here in Virginia or just before Mom met your father in Carlisle that Mom took me to my piano teacher. I remember he was missing parts of his fingers, had crazy hair and was most definitely a hoarder. Mom would take me to this little hole in the wall, literally a closet of sorts, and there was just enough space to get to the piano bench. Surrounding me and my teacher was stacks and stacks of books and old music. It was very dark and dingy. I learned to play by the light of the piano. This is all I remember of this time. That's it. I'm sorry I don't remember you so much here. I was exploring our world and learning about nature. I'm sorry Michelle. I wish I could change it.....but if I did, who would I be today. So maybe I don't wish for that change for me...but for you. I wish you had a sister closer to your age or someone that could have helped you deal with life's hills. A navigator by your side.