AFTER Germany. Our life continued.

Dear Michelle, I am up very early on a Saturday morning and thought of you. I found out that I am now pregnant with Baby #2 and realized that I need to continue this blog to help me heal from your absence and to accept that you could be gone forever. I will be ok with that because this blog is helping me realize a lot of things that just helped you and I fall into the situation that we are in. I'm ok with accepting that we are two different people and are polar opposites. We were raised at two completely different times by almost two different families or means. We've been acquaintances, for lack of better words, for most of our lives. That's ok. It happens. We've been struggling to make this relationship into something we think it should be rather than just accepting it as it is. I don't think we should be upset by anything now. Perhaps it is my preggo mind talking...but it makes sense and I have a sense of peace about it. You are my sister but that doesn't mean anything other than we share the same mother and some of the same memories. I have had several friends throughout my life that I have had similar experiences with and I'm completely accepting that they are no longer in my life. They were gifts in my life and there in the moment of my life that I needed them......and so are you. I'm ok with that. We are around for one another when we need it and no more thought than that should go into it. Right now, I use your actions as a catalyst to review my past and to forgive your hurtful intentions. The hurt is my problem. I'm the one that feels it and I'm the one that deals with it. Perhaps it makes you feel better and that is what you have to do for yourself. I forgive you if you don't realize how your behavior, in my world, is completely inappropriate and mean. I hope that you can see one day how that came to be. I think that maybe you have some deeper demons to deal with and I am just an easy comfortable target for your hurt. My challenge is to see how I handle it. For my own health, keeping minimal contact with you is the answer. I don't know how you got the the point you are at but I know you are in no way ready to admit it to me. I know you want to be loving and that you love the idea of a perfect family. I guess I've just realized that the imperfect things in life really are the most perfect things for the world at the moment. I believe in the balance of the world and that there is a reason for every movement and every action. We don't have to necessarily like what is going on, but we would be idiots to not learn from it. So...AFTER GERMANY: I vaguely remember living with Grandma and Grandpa for a short little blurb of time. We moved to Maryland and live with Aunt Janie for a little while until mom found us this really tiny and pretty crappy little apartment. I only say crappy because I remember that it was near a junkyard, there was a cat I called "kitty" that always smelled like tar and begged for food (my little friend), and slugs would come in under the door and crawl into mom's slippers during the night. It was a tiny dark little place. You were 5 or 6. I was in 5th grade. Mom made a deal with the catholic school (St. John's) to get me to go there for free. We just had to agree to go to the masses. I'm not a fan of catholic school. There is no creativity in it. No individualism and I am most certainly a free and individual thinker. I remember they got made because I was smart enough to wear sweatpants under my "lovely" maroon plaid skirt on the coldest of days. The teachers didn't like that I figured out to wear shorts under my skirt so I could do flips and play on the swings. I refused to wear those stupid looking maroon pants. Who does that? Maroon plaid pants? Really? No way was I going to do that. I outsmarted them and they let me know their distaste for it. I think I learned to be a rebel there. I learned how important it was to stand up for what you believe is right and as an adult I see how important it is to encourage, rather than inhibit, this sort of free thinking. I guess that school was good for me after all. I have to say I don't remember you at all during this time. I remember we shared a tiny little closet of a room that mom painted some Disney characters in to make it more cheery. We shared a bunk bed, me on top and you on the bottom. I remember always bumping my head on the ceiling. I remember I kissed a boy behind mom's truck one day (so she couldn't see it). It was a quick peck and he was the junkyard owner's son. He intrigued me because of that. I remember pouring salt on the door stoop to keep the slugs from coming in and I remember asking mom for two dollars so I could use it with my allowance to buy her flowers for mother's day. I somehow figured out how to call a florist and order it all....and thank goodness they did. Mom, to this day, remembers it...and that makes me feel proud. I helped her feel better in one of her darkest times. I remember seeing her a little tipsy once. It's the only time I have ever, in my life, seen her tipsy. She was going on a date with a guy and I was left alone at the house. I don't think I was baby sitting you but I couldn't be sure. I barely remember you there. I must have been so focused on just surviving and trying to make sense of this drastically different way of life. I remember I started menstruation, shaving my legs and got constipated for the first time in that dark little hole. We had a very ugly couch too. Everything in my memory of that place is dark and dusty. When I think of it today, I think of the word "alone". I must have been so lonely and lost. This was a very dark time for mom and I. I learned how to play the recorder and I remember I had one friend. Her name was Nicole. She was a bit of a rebel too and she rode the bus with me. I would pick the bus up from Aunt Janie's. One day Nicole's dog had to be put to sleep because he lost his lower jaw after being run over (a German Shepard). It was raining that day and I remember telling her that the rain was her dog's tears for her. I also remember a short time later telling mom that the reason there were so many dead squirrels on the side of the road was because they "missed" the branch across the road they were aiming for. Mom found it hysterically funny and couldn't stop laughing at "how cute" it was. I've always been a pretty good thinker and a creative inventor. I see that now. I am proud of that. My life was unstable and mom was barely holding it together. Part of the reason my husband and I have decided to stay home for the holidays is to help provide my daughter and (mostly) me with a sense of stability. It's a memory we can start now to create. A stable moment in each year that is consistent and unchanging. Change is good, but too much change leaves one wishing for a more dull life sometimes. I think my need to stay in my own home with my own family for the holidays is a healthy was to restore stability to my life to make up for the instability as a child. I am glad for this revelation because it makes me even more sure that our decision to stay, although making you angry, home for the holidays was the absolute best decision we could have made. I still don't remember you Michelle. I must have blocked you out when your father took you away from me as a sister. He made it clear that you were his and I was not. I belonged to nobody but mom. I had lost my real father, my adoptive father, my best friend brother and now my little sister along with countless friends left behind. I guess after that much loss a little kid just shuts down. It appears that I did because it was all that I could do to even make the memories mentioned above. I'm sorry that this happened to me Michelle and that I was not able to be there for you. I'm sorry that I, as the 11 year old, was not able to give you memories as the three year old that you were. I just did the math...you were THREE. I wish I could somehow have made you more pertinent in my memory and maybe been the sister you expect but I was eleven and you were three and we were both victims of unfortunates circumstances in our lives. I so wish that you could see that and not hold it against me because I certainly don't hold it against you for being three. Recently you accused me of thinking my life was so much worse than yours. I'm not sure you know my life or me for that matter in order to say something so hurtful. I've never tried to compete to see whose life was worse. I've only used my past to try and help me understand my present and make a better future. I've used it to try and help others see how the past affects us, including you, in the decision we make. I just don't know how sharing that somehow made you think I was trying to "compete" and compare us to one another. Selfishly, I'm more concerned about myself and my own life, for myself, rather than trying to compare myself to someone who is completely different than me. It just doesn't make sense. I have no reason to ever try and "compete" with you. You and are are from completely different planets and there is no comparison. I am me and you are you. We dont' have to like it but it is certainly no reason to be hateful towards one another. I just don't understand why you are so angry with me because I don't fit your definition of what you expect of me Michelle. I'm sorry that I disappoint you but I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I like who I am and I believe I do good and right things. That's all that really matters Michelle. If you do what you think is good and right, then it is for you. I truly believe if you feel deep down happy about your actions and feel no anger then you are doing the right thing. I don't, however, believe that you are at the point. I think you are very angry because I see it in your actions, your tone and your facial expressions. Others see it too. I wish there was some way I could help, but I've realized that my life is about me and your life is not for me to try and "solve" or help. I'm here if you need me, but that is your move to make, no mine. I'm not in the business of telling others how to run their lives. And I'm certainly in no position to try and share my life stories with someone who speaks a completely different language than me. If I had all the time in the world, then perhaps I would learn your language or help to teach you mine. I'm sorry that I just can't do that for you Michelle. I hope you find your happiness. Ironically, if you ever read this, I feel like me hoping you will find your happiness will just make you mad. I'm not implying that you aren't happy, there is always more happiness to be obtained in the world. In fact, I believe there is a shortage....and I hope you find more. I love you Michelle. I hope you are doing well. Next time, our next move will be to the double-wide in PA. I have some memories of you, but not a whole lot. We will see what the next post will bring.