A final goodbye?

So, it has been several months since I started this blog. My intention was to go through my life with you and try to understand why you could be so angry at me. My goal was to have it done and to let it go by the end of the year. I have learned the following: 1. We are very very different people with very different lives. 2. Neither one of us is fully responsible for these drastic differences. It was a result of time/space. We were from two different "families". There is nothing we can do to change that fact. When I was older and on my own with money struggles, you were younger and still under the care of parents and struggling with things of a younger persons nature. I had already hurdled over those humps...you were just beginning to. It will almost always be that way because of our age difference. When I went into another room and cried when you had told us you were engaged...I went there so you didn't have to see me hurt. I was very happy for your but had just left a very hard relationship. I had been engaged once and I went through hell trying to come to terms with it. I had fresh "wounds". It was only natural for me to feel a little sad when I heard your good news. I was struggling with coping with a lost engagement when you gave me the news. I never cried because I was unhappy for you. I hid and cried in private because I was sad for me. I'm sorry you came in and saw me cry. I tried to hid my pain from you. And when you got mad at me for not being at your bachelorette party....I was eating from cans of tuna. Literally...I lived paycheck to paycheck and cans of tuna were $0.15 at the time. I remember feeling so horrible that I couldn't afford the original idea to take you to Vegas for the party.....and then I still couldn't afford to rent a townhome, limo and stripper for it. All I could afford was a quick drive to come to see you and maybe a small present (maybe a McDonald's cheeseburger with extra pickles). I didn't tell you the sorrows of my life as to why....I just had to decline from the extravagant event that I couldn't be a part of because I was not able to afford it. If I did...I would have gone in default on my home and to me it wasn't worth it for a night of drinking and stripping. I made a wise decision for my life and I don't regret it. To come and visit you for one night...without a townhome involved would cost me well over $500.00. Why? Because I had 4 dogs and a cat to board. Mom wouldn't let me bring them so I had no other options if I wanted to come for a night out. I had to decide that being at your wedding was more important. That brings me on to Thanksgiving of 2012. Dustin and I just bought a new house...literally signed the papers less than 3 months earlier to your new Thanksgiving. You decided to invite everyone to your place in DC after asking me about it. I told you we were staying home that year to enjoy our new home (and the money issue) and to have a nice holiday with our dogs and 1 year old daughter. Toddlers are not good for long drives. I didn't get off of work until Thanksgiving day and didn't have Monday off. It would have been stressful financially and mentally for us to make the over 12 hours of traveling. I do not regret making that decision. I have had to deal with your cold shoulder ever since. I tried to explain it to you but you just even more pissed and when you brought Kaylee into the conversation....it was over. In my world, you played unfair. I tried and tried to explain my reasoning and it never seemed to work. I could have sworn that I tried every loving way to let you know that I loved you and that us not coming to your house for Thanksgiving was just a better decision for our family situation at the time. ...it just never worked. I want you to know that I never ever did anything to intentionally hurt you. I was always trying to "save" you when you were younger and I made decisions to "save" me and my family (Dustin, Kaylee, furry pets and I) as I grew older. So here I am..typing a blog to you. I wish for you to find a happy and healthy life with a minimal amount of sadness and anger. We both had enough of that as children. I don't know what to say to you to "fix" whatever it is that went wrong. You told me to leave you alone....so that is what I've tried to do. I forgive you for hurting me (when you used my daughter in an "argument") and just have accepted that we are two people from two different worlds that are apparently destructive to one another when we talk. I speak a different language than you and apparently hurt you without knowing it and you do the same for me. We just butt heads I guess. You don't agree with my decisions and I don't agree with many of yours. That's ok. We are allowed to be different. I don't hate you because you are different or think differently than me. I don't want to ever be accused of hurting you because I have never EVER ever tried to do that. EVER. So perhaps your way is best....and it is the way I'm able to cope with now. Distance is safe. No contact is almost safer...that way I can't possibly do or say anything that will cause you pain or anger or resentment. I don't ever want to feel like I did at Marie's shower. I felt that you were exceptionally mean (and so did others) and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in disbelief about the whole thing. I have tried to understand and make sense of all that has happened in the last year and the only thing I've learned is that we are just different. Now is not the time in our lives where we can support one another I guess.....so we need to separate and not be a poison to one another any longer. I agree with you. Your way is right. I have resolved to be cordial to you if I see you at family gatherings just as I would with any other member of the family. This is best for both of us. I will not hate you and I will not impose on your life. I'm here if you ever need me. I will try to do the best I can to help you if you ever reach out. I will always take care of myself and my family needs first and then you come immediately after that. I would be no use to you if I don't take care of me first....so that's the only reason I would say "me first".....just so I can be there when it really counts. I will respond to you if you text me/email me...but it will always be short and simple to prevent any misunderstandings. If you REALLY need me, a phone conversation or face to face is the route. I'm am horrible with email and text...HORRIBLE. Trust me on that. I will stay away now. I will think of you from time to time and probably check you out online to make sure that your still rockin' the free world. :) I don't want to hurt you Michelle. I don't know how to make you happy. I do love you Michelle. I love you.