Memories of when you were born....what I remember.

Dear Michelle, Even though you have grown up and estranged yourself from me, you can not estrange my memories. Unfortunately, due to my own troubled childhood, many of my memories have been supressed. Fortunately, what I do remember of you when you were very young is a lot of good stuff. You were born in May 1985. I remember, for the first time, my first Christmas after you were born. I think your birth may have finally been a message to me that my life would be normal. If you didn't know, it was pretty hectic before you. I had moved several times, had a father who tried to kill me as a baby, beat me as a toddler and neglected me for the rest of my life. My best friend, my brother Rick, was ripped away from me. I remember vividly the day he was taken away. It hurts me today. The adult Rick I know now is a stranger to me all because of the decision of two parents that I had no control over. The adult Rick I met hurt me because of bad decisions and drug use that he struggled with. He didn't change until I had moved and the chance for any reconciliation was over. Time had passed and I had moved away. As a child, as Rick became a distant memory, I was given you...a baby sister. Someone to love again. Someone to care for and someone to care for me. Maybe she would catch fireflies with me and put them in a milk bottle as a night light, like I did with my brother before. Maybe she would be my best friend. You replaced a hole when you were born. Before you were born, I had already established a mechanism to erase bad memories from my life. I have no idea what the mechanism is, but I do know that I remember more good than bad and the bad, I easily forget. I remember your baby crib and how you would cry. At the time, I was 8 years old. It wasn't until adulthood that I would realize how those 8 years ahead of you would impact our relationship. I remember my first 4th of July with you....that's the year I got lice and was taken to the doctor's. We lived in a little ranch that your father had before my mother met him. Our Christmas tree was to the right of the entry door and I remember I got my first cabbage patch kid. We had a very tiny house. The basement was kind of gross and there were often mouse droppings found throughout our stuff. In garage, I had two guines pigs, Sugar and Godfree. I don't know what happened to my guinea pigs after we moved from that house. I'm sorry to say that I don't remember much else...but I'm happy to say that it is more than I remember of my entire life before that. I can count on my hand the memories without you. It would take a thousand years and more to count the memories after you. It is sad to think that you choose to so easily severe a lifetime of memories. I have always said I love you and that you can call me or email you....and I will say it again today. Michelle, I love you. You can call me or email me...heck you can come to my front door. As long as you don't attack me, you are always welcome. And even if you attack me, I will still love you from afar. I love you Michelle. I hope you find the solace that you are looking for. That's enough for now. Tomorrow, I will remember Virginia and Germany. Then Maryland and finally Pennsylvania.