Sick again...

Sorry Michelle, once again my body and my life has taken over so I was unable to write. I have a systemic infection that has been sapping me of energy for over a year. The good news is that I think I finally found the cure, which unfortunately means avoiding delicious sugary deserts! I promise that I will get back to you! Aside from my own health, poor little Kaylee got sick and my dog Sadie needs to get surgery. Through all this, I still remember you are my sister and think about how you are doing in your own world. I wonder what challenges you might be facing that have caused you to be filled with anger at times. What have you faced since you've become an adult? I know of a few, but I don't know the intricacies. I heard that you were seeing a therapist. I hope that it has helped you. Believe me, when you face serious health issues, have children and dog problems, you definitely need all of the clarity and all the health that you can grasp to continue marching forward. This sickness in me has caused a lot of tears but I know I will be ok because I have a strong support system through my husband, my daughter, my best friend and mom/dad. I always have someone who can listen when I just can't seem to put the pieces together anymore. Just the other day I had a client of mine ask if she could pray with me. Now I'm not a huge religious freak by any nature, but this was something I will never forget. She prayed for my body to heal and I cried. I cried because what she did was so loving. She took time to pause and think about me. Someone I barely know was filled with love for me at that moment. I sure hope the moments that I take to think of you and how you are doing can somehow reach you. You've shut me out but I have so much love that I can provide you if you were willing to listen and work through understanding things with me. We both had a time in our lives where we shared the same turmoil. I'm sure there is a way we could battle to help one another together instead of avoiding a painfully uncomfortable face to face conversation. I'm sorry that I don't know how to reach you Michelle. I love you.

Monday

Dear Michelle, Today is a very busy day and I just don't have the time or energy to spend it on you. Sorry, I have a two year old with swim lessons, clothes to clean from our camp weekend and exhaustion to catch up on. My family commitments come before you. My family is my husband, my daughter and myself. My second family of concern is you, mom, dad (Ray) and everyone else. I learned to "triage" my priorities with family a little after I got married and a lot after I had Kaylee. One day I hope you understand why you can't be my main focus of attention and that you are still important to me and that I love you. Good luck with today Michelle, I hope it treats you kindly. I'll be thinking of you.

Dear Michelle, I didn't have a chance to write you yesterday because I have a two year old daughter, Kaylee, who keeps me very busy. She hates riding in the car for long periods of time which is one reason we decided holidays are for home. Our home is near Pittsburgh. I remember being married without a child and how easy it was to travel anywhere you wanted. With a daughter, things are much different. You start to really value the home you work so hard to pay for and the time you get to relax in it. I'm so happy to have a nice new home. I remember we were always moving around as kids and never had the stability of staying in one place. It was hard changing schools all the time and learning to meet new friends just when you had gotten use to your old ones. The one good thing about moving around all the time is that it allowed me to meet so many different types of people and allowed me to be more of a global thinker. I am very thankful for that. I moved pretty much from birth all the way until I was 13 years old. That's 13 years of moving. Here is where I've lived: Texas, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Germany, Virginia and I think Oklahoma but I'm not sure. I have faint memories of my grandmother's farm when I was very very young. I remember we had a birthday party for Rick that they had a game where you sat on balloons. That party is forever etched in my memory because I have been afraid of blown up rubber balloons popping ever since. Within that list, I had moved in and out of Pennsylvania twice. It's crazy to think I moved so many times in thirteen years. Germany was one of the more interesting places I have lived because of the rich forests and the castles. Castles are pretty cool. When we moved to Germany I was 10 and you were two. I just remember being in 3rd grade where I had a teacher that had taught her yellow lab that knew the times table up to multiples of four. He would bark the answer...if you said 2x2, he'd bark four times. It was pretty cool. We use to walk to a playground for recess. You and I had a live in maid, Eizing...(I have no idea how to spell it). She was very nice, very skinny and an excellent cook. She would take you and I to the playground. You use to love to swing, just like Kaylee likes to swing. Swinging was pretty much all we could do together. At this age you began to talk and I remember you use to love watching DUMBO. I hate that movie. I think I didn't mind it at first but then I remember that your father would just interrupt whatever I was watching (Thundercats) to put DUMBO on so you would stop bugging him. It was ok at first but after a million times watching it and interrupting Thudercats.....a 10 year old just breaks. In Germany we had a lot of toys. I remember that I use to collect Swatches. I had close to seven of them before we abruptly left Germany in the middle of the night (one of my worst memories ever). Germany was where I first played softball and I was so excited to get my team uniform, then I played with my ball without a glove and dislocated my pinky and fractured it. Mom took me off the team. I never played softball on a team again. I was so sad. I couldn't talk to you about it because you were 2....so I talked to my 10 year old friend "Pee Wee". It's funny because we all just called him Pee Wee and I have no idea what his real name is. I also had a good friend named John who taught me Tetris on the computer (He was rich because he had one!). I also remember playing by myself a lot in the back yard of our apartment complex. There were two big bushes that made a perfect hideout for me and my friends. I would play there alot. One time I was sitting just outside of the bushes playing with clovers (probably making a necklace) when a bunch of ants literally had crawled up my pants. I freaked! I ran inside screaming bloody murder and scared the crap out of mom, who had a guest over at the time. She threw me in the shower and put on the water. She saved me. I'm actually glad you were 2 at the time so you have no memory of it...and can't make fun of me about it. :) It was pretty crazy. There use to be a PX and a little stand behind our apartment too. I LOVED to get the chili and cheese nachos from that place. They were so good. I have never had such good nachos ever again in my life. I also haven't had those delicious candies called sour tongues since I lived in Germany either. Nothing matching them. I doubt you remember any of this because this is when I was 10. You mention to me that you had nightmares when you were 10. I don't remember nightmares but I do remember bullies. One time, in fifth grade, an eighth grader took my backpack from me and chased me all the way home. I was so upset. I couldn't come to you because you were 2. Mom helped me. She actually hid in the bushes of the school with our german shepard (Gal) and scared the crap out of those kids. She told them that if they ever bothered me again she would let Gal loose on them. I never knew that until we were older. I'm glad she did that though. She kept me safe. I remember having one more altercation with that kid when he took my "My Pet Monster" lunchbox. I loved that thing. He took it and tried to play monkey in the middle and then threw it down into a ditch. I yelled at him and told him to give it back and no teachers or anyone helped....so I jumped on his back and pulled his hair and scratched him until he agreed to get my lunchbox and give it back to me. I stood up for myself and that kid never bothered me again. Stupid kid. He was the brother of my first boyfriend (Jeremy). It would have been nice to have a brother or sister to help me.....but you were 4 and Rick was in Oklahoma. I don't hold any of that against you or him. We are just victims of our situation and I dealt with the best I could. I never really thought "what if" and held grudges because of it. I never thought that was productive....it just didn't make sense because there is nothing I could do about the past but I definitely could do something about how I viewed it and how I dealt with the circumstances in the future. I remember Mom and your dad use to take us to the Luwidberg Castle to the fairytale themepark part of it. We would go and feed the goats and I would take you down the slide (super fun) and we would jump on fake lily pads. It was a very very cool place. We went there a lot. Enough times that I remember us there. We also went to a place called Holiday Park. That was a much bigger commercialized park. It had dolphins and we got these cool blue noise tubes there. I remember one time we were playing with the tubes and a large group of adults outside of our apartment complex. A bunch of birds started to come our way and you and I and all the kids yelled at everyone to "Take Cover!" because as kids playing outside we had learned that they poop when they fly by. All the adults just laughed at us.....well...we laughed even harder when three adults all got pooped on! They believed us then! Germany was a really neat place. It came to a very frightful end. We had lived a very rich and fruitful life there...even in that small apartment. One night Mom and your father were fighting. I remember it vividly because it was the first time I ever swore at an adult. I don't know what they were fighting about, I just remember seeing your father grab mom violently at her upper arms (just above her elbow) and shake her violently and push her against the counter. I was so upset that I said "Get your fucking hands off my mother!". This made them pause for a moment and Mom, in a panic, realized we needed to get out of there (you and I). She quickly said to me to grab my sister and take her upstairs to Liz's. Liz was her very best friend in Germany. She was originally from Australia and had a little orange Pomeranian that I loved. I immediately picked you up and began to head for the door...when (I will never forget this..EVER)...when your father abruptly took you from my arms and said: "YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME!". My heart sank. Two things had happened here. I wasn't his daughter. You were definitely not so much mine anymore either. In an instant, a moment of no thought, I lost a father (AGAIN) and I lost my little sister. I can't describe to you the pain that it causes me today to think of this moment. It's something you will never remember because you were 4 or at most 5. I cry now as I'm thinking about it. Michelle, it's not your fault and it's not my fault. I never meant to hurt you and I know you never meant to hurt me as a child. We are victims of bad choices that adults made in our lives. I so badly wish you could feel that love that I have for you instead of being so angry at me for not doing the things you unfairly expect of me. I can't fix that hole in your heart. You have to find a way to heal within. It will never fully heal because you just simply can not change the past. It's what makes us who we are and as strong as we are in other aspects of our lives. After that, Mom took us to the military police where I had to relive the whole thing over again by telling them what had happened. I remember gasping for air and barely being able to speak to tell them as I told them the whole story again. I was so upset. My world, in moments, had fallen apart. Everything I had learned to trust as safe and stable and secure had cracked. I felt alone and confused. I felt so sad and so hurt. What was happening? Why did he do that? The next thing I remember was that I was woken in the middle of the night and mom had packed my little red suitcase. I had my blanket and my "LE Mutt" stuffed animal. We were escaping Germany. We were leaving in the middle of the night...again...only this time...I would remember everything. I remember leaving my friends, my toys, my house......just left in the dust. I cried and cried and cried. I left my father...my second father. My real father, ironically had also lived in Germany the time we were there and he only visited me once, that I can remember, and he was late for that date. At least your dad always came home.....but we left. I would never see my father (your dad) again. I would only ever see Lyle, your father, when he came to get you for weekend visits. I belonged to no one....just Mom, you and me now....but you would leave sometimes....so it was Mom and I. I remember feeling like something was so wrong with me that Lyle wouldn't want me too. But I wasn't made with his blood. I came from someone else and even my birth father didn't want me. Talk about lonely. I was. I was angry. I stayed angry for a long time. I had to make all new friends and go through all new bullies. The bullies were not as bad..the worse they could say was that I had frog eyes. But still....all new again. When we got back to the States, we stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. I barely remember it because I had shut down. I remember Grandpa wanting to kill me because I burned a pan or something like that. LIke I said...I shut down. Just like I had lost memory of the abuse from my real father, I had lost memory of everything happening after Germany. I completely shut down and I truly don't remember much. I will try and write what I remember about coming back to the states in my next post. Today is enough. In the end, Germany was rough. I learned that you can only ever count on yourself......and I struggle with trusting others to this day. I wonder if you even remember Germany. It would have been nice to have a sister to go through with during all this....but you were just 2 or 3. You were just learning the language. I was dealing with much worse things simply because I was more aware. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you more love or more support Michelle. I was just a kid trying to pick up the pieces in a broken world. I'm sorry Michelle. I love you.

Living in Virginia, you were 1 or 2 years old

Dear Michelle, I don't remember the exact dates, but I remember this is when I had the first friend that I could remember. Ironically, her name was Virginia. We live in a row of townhouses with woods in the backyard. It was the first place I could go out on my own and discover nature. I remember I had a secret island tree along a creek that ran on the backside of the townhouse property. it had a great gnarly root and beautiful moss. I would go there a lot and think and investigate. I shared it with my two little friends, whose names I can not remember, who lived two townhouses down from us. I remember catching a lizard in their back yard and how it dropped out of my grasp running but left a squiggling tail in my hand! I was always intrigued by that lizard. I remember mom use to make me salad with carrots and French Dressing. I remember I got sick one day and all that salad didn't agree with my little body. I've never eaten salad with French dressing since and it took me until I felt guilty at age 18 to eat salad again. I felt guilty because it was an expensive prom dinner...thank goodness because I do like salad...just not French dressing. These are things I would have loved to have shared with you....but those blasted 8 years between us. You were just 1...maybe younger....how could I expect you to be involved. I didn't. Actually, I struggle with memories of you in this place. I struggle with memories of mom too. I remember one thing about your father here....he would read with me every night before I went to bed. EVERY night. We would cuddle up in my bed and read a Chapter. He would read, then I would read. I remember being so excited when it was my turn to read and admiring how smoothly and animated he could read. We read the whole Ramona Quimby series. I learned to love reading. It's a wonderful gift that he gave me. He showed me, for a brief moment, what a father could be. Virgina was the first place I challenged my limits with the law. My friend Virginia dared me to call 911.....so I did. I found out I was a good actress and that calling 911 was NOT a good idea. I got in a lot of trouble. I also remember I had a little blower accordion type thing. I LOVED it. It disappeared one day and I was so sad. I had no one to tell.....you were too small. I say this because in our last conversation (when I am 35 and you were 27) you had a lot of angst towards me because I closed the door on you when you were 10 or 11 or something like that. You mentioned you would have nightmares and come in my room and I would chase you out. You've been holding on to this memory for over 17 years...... and it obviously hurts you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was 18, ready to go to college and not thinking of a little sister. When you were 1 or 2, I remember holding you once but I had to sit down to do it. That's it...that's all I remember. I feel as though your angst towards me when I was 18 and you were 10 is sad. I feel like I could, if I wanted to, hold something against you for being 1 year old when I was 9 years old because I couldn't talk to you about nightmares or sadness. I don't hold anything against you for that....I never even thought about it until you mentioned about when you were 10 and felt I had neglected you. I ask you to please look, again, at those 8 years between us. I'm so sorry it is that way. But you being 10 and me being 18 is no different then you being 1 and me being 9. We were never there for one another, NOT because of choice, but because of circumstance. I simply can not change those years between us. If I could, to heal your pain, I would. I'm so sorry you felt neglected by me Michelle. I was a teenager ready to take on the world and become an adult. A relationship was never fostered with you and those 8 years have a lot to do with it. Could I have taken you in and calmed your nightmare fears....YES.....but no one ever taught me to do that. That is something that is fostered and learned too. Our family did not teach this. Our family did everything it could to stay as one unit as much as possible. When I say our family.....it's just you, me and Mom. That's the core unit for us. I'll talk more about the days when you are 10 later. Now back to Virginia...I learned how to bite the candy coating off of Reese's Pieces and M & M's (back when they still made brown and light brown) to make them into Barbie burgers. I remember thinking I had just invented something spectacular when I did that. There use to be a water drain out back in that property too. It's the first time I remember being scared to do something and scared of imaginary trolls. I don't remember if I ever went through the "tunnel", but I remember thinking of doing it and almost doing it several times. It was either here in Virginia or just before Mom met your father in Carlisle that Mom took me to my piano teacher. I remember he was missing parts of his fingers, had crazy hair and was most definitely a hoarder. Mom would take me to this little hole in the wall, literally a closet of sorts, and there was just enough space to get to the piano bench. Surrounding me and my teacher was stacks and stacks of books and old music. It was very dark and dingy. I learned to play by the light of the piano. This is all I remember of this time. That's it. I'm sorry I don't remember you so much here. I was exploring our world and learning about nature. I'm sorry Michelle. I wish I could change it.....but if I did, who would I be today. So maybe I don't wish for that change for me...but for you. I wish you had a sister closer to your age or someone that could have helped you deal with life's hills. A navigator by your side.

Memories of when you were born....what I remember.

Dear Michelle, Even though you have grown up and estranged yourself from me, you can not estrange my memories. Unfortunately, due to my own troubled childhood, many of my memories have been supressed. Fortunately, what I do remember of you when you were very young is a lot of good stuff. You were born in May 1985. I remember, for the first time, my first Christmas after you were born. I think your birth may have finally been a message to me that my life would be normal. If you didn't know, it was pretty hectic before you. I had moved several times, had a father who tried to kill me as a baby, beat me as a toddler and neglected me for the rest of my life. My best friend, my brother Rick, was ripped away from me. I remember vividly the day he was taken away. It hurts me today. The adult Rick I know now is a stranger to me all because of the decision of two parents that I had no control over. The adult Rick I met hurt me because of bad decisions and drug use that he struggled with. He didn't change until I had moved and the chance for any reconciliation was over. Time had passed and I had moved away. As a child, as Rick became a distant memory, I was given you...a baby sister. Someone to love again. Someone to care for and someone to care for me. Maybe she would catch fireflies with me and put them in a milk bottle as a night light, like I did with my brother before. Maybe she would be my best friend. You replaced a hole when you were born. Before you were born, I had already established a mechanism to erase bad memories from my life. I have no idea what the mechanism is, but I do know that I remember more good than bad and the bad, I easily forget. I remember your baby crib and how you would cry. At the time, I was 8 years old. It wasn't until adulthood that I would realize how those 8 years ahead of you would impact our relationship. I remember my first 4th of July with you....that's the year I got lice and was taken to the doctor's. We lived in a little ranch that your father had before my mother met him. Our Christmas tree was to the right of the entry door and I remember I got my first cabbage patch kid. We had a very tiny house. The basement was kind of gross and there were often mouse droppings found throughout our stuff. In garage, I had two guines pigs, Sugar and Godfree. I don't know what happened to my guinea pigs after we moved from that house. I'm sorry to say that I don't remember much else...but I'm happy to say that it is more than I remember of my entire life before that. I can count on my hand the memories without you. It would take a thousand years and more to count the memories after you. It is sad to think that you choose to so easily severe a lifetime of memories. I have always said I love you and that you can call me or email you....and I will say it again today. Michelle, I love you. You can call me or email me...heck you can come to my front door. As long as you don't attack me, you are always welcome. And even if you attack me, I will still love you from afar. I love you Michelle. I hope you find the solace that you are looking for. That's enough for now. Tomorrow, I will remember Virginia and Germany. Then Maryland and finally Pennsylvania.

What the heck is this?

THIS is my way of dealing with a sister who is in some part of her life where she just can't see love. I'm doing this for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm so sick of people saying that it's a personal issue or that they are "going to stay out of it." - How do we progress as giving and loving humans if we don't hear one another's hurts and issues and try to help and learn from each other? Sure, it's not comfortable, but come on world. I say GET INVOLVED. I just can't stand one more person in this world estranging themselves because they can't learn how to put themselves into another person's shoes or are afraid to face the things that hurt them. I'm sick of it. This is me reaching out. 2. I hope somehow this will help me heal from the pain that has been caused from actions that can not be taken back. (Story to follow...) 3. Maybe someone out there will know what I'm going through and feel comforted that they aren't the only one who struggles with this type of issue.....and one sided adult "rivalry". I'm going to be bare bones honest and let no stone unturned. Remember this is mainly for me...but if it helps you....it's for you too. What to expect: LOTS of words. Very few photos. LOTS of words. Did I mention a lot of words? Ok...so my next entry will be something about the beginning. I'm going to start from the beginning which is May 9, 1985....the day my little sister was born. The same year I got a cabbage patch doll for Christmas and the same year I got a scar on my chin for being a daring kid. This is for us Michelle. I love you.