Dear Michelle

Dear Michelle, Reading this blog from day one is best....so start with the earliest date of: 7/9/2013. If it angers or hurts you...then stop. I don't want that. My goal was to try and help us resolve some misunderstandings. That's all. If this doesn't turn out that way...then just don't read it. I have never meant to hurt you. I love you. -Charissa

A final goodbye?

So, it has been several months since I started this blog. My intention was to go through my life with you and try to understand why you could be so angry at me. My goal was to have it done and to let it go by the end of the year. I have learned the following: 1. We are very very different people with very different lives. 2. Neither one of us is fully responsible for these drastic differences. It was a result of time/space. We were from two different "families". There is nothing we can do to change that fact. When I was older and on my own with money struggles, you were younger and still under the care of parents and struggling with things of a younger persons nature. I had already hurdled over those humps...you were just beginning to. It will almost always be that way because of our age difference. When I went into another room and cried when you had told us you were engaged...I went there so you didn't have to see me hurt. I was very happy for your but had just left a very hard relationship. I had been engaged once and I went through hell trying to come to terms with it. I had fresh "wounds". It was only natural for me to feel a little sad when I heard your good news. I was struggling with coping with a lost engagement when you gave me the news. I never cried because I was unhappy for you. I hid and cried in private because I was sad for me. I'm sorry you came in and saw me cry. I tried to hid my pain from you. And when you got mad at me for not being at your bachelorette party....I was eating from cans of tuna. Literally...I lived paycheck to paycheck and cans of tuna were $0.15 at the time. I remember feeling so horrible that I couldn't afford the original idea to take you to Vegas for the party.....and then I still couldn't afford to rent a townhome, limo and stripper for it. All I could afford was a quick drive to come to see you and maybe a small present (maybe a McDonald's cheeseburger with extra pickles). I didn't tell you the sorrows of my life as to why....I just had to decline from the extravagant event that I couldn't be a part of because I was not able to afford it. If I did...I would have gone in default on my home and to me it wasn't worth it for a night of drinking and stripping. I made a wise decision for my life and I don't regret it. To come and visit you for one night...without a townhome involved would cost me well over $500.00. Why? Because I had 4 dogs and a cat to board. Mom wouldn't let me bring them so I had no other options if I wanted to come for a night out. I had to decide that being at your wedding was more important. That brings me on to Thanksgiving of 2012. Dustin and I just bought a new house...literally signed the papers less than 3 months earlier to your new Thanksgiving. You decided to invite everyone to your place in DC after asking me about it. I told you we were staying home that year to enjoy our new home (and the money issue) and to have a nice holiday with our dogs and 1 year old daughter. Toddlers are not good for long drives. I didn't get off of work until Thanksgiving day and didn't have Monday off. It would have been stressful financially and mentally for us to make the over 12 hours of traveling. I do not regret making that decision. I have had to deal with your cold shoulder ever since. I tried to explain it to you but you just even more pissed and when you brought Kaylee into the conversation....it was over. In my world, you played unfair. I tried and tried to explain my reasoning and it never seemed to work. I could have sworn that I tried every loving way to let you know that I loved you and that us not coming to your house for Thanksgiving was just a better decision for our family situation at the time. ...it just never worked. I want you to know that I never ever did anything to intentionally hurt you. I was always trying to "save" you when you were younger and I made decisions to "save" me and my family (Dustin, Kaylee, furry pets and I) as I grew older. So here I am..typing a blog to you. I wish for you to find a happy and healthy life with a minimal amount of sadness and anger. We both had enough of that as children. I don't know what to say to you to "fix" whatever it is that went wrong. You told me to leave you alone....so that is what I've tried to do. I forgive you for hurting me (when you used my daughter in an "argument") and just have accepted that we are two people from two different worlds that are apparently destructive to one another when we talk. I speak a different language than you and apparently hurt you without knowing it and you do the same for me. We just butt heads I guess. You don't agree with my decisions and I don't agree with many of yours. That's ok. We are allowed to be different. I don't hate you because you are different or think differently than me. I don't want to ever be accused of hurting you because I have never EVER ever tried to do that. EVER. So perhaps your way is best....and it is the way I'm able to cope with now. Distance is safe. No contact is almost safer...that way I can't possibly do or say anything that will cause you pain or anger or resentment. I don't ever want to feel like I did at Marie's shower. I felt that you were exceptionally mean (and so did others) and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in disbelief about the whole thing. I have tried to understand and make sense of all that has happened in the last year and the only thing I've learned is that we are just different. Now is not the time in our lives where we can support one another I guess.....so we need to separate and not be a poison to one another any longer. I agree with you. Your way is right. I have resolved to be cordial to you if I see you at family gatherings just as I would with any other member of the family. This is best for both of us. I will not hate you and I will not impose on your life. I'm here if you ever need me. I will try to do the best I can to help you if you ever reach out. I will always take care of myself and my family needs first and then you come immediately after that. I would be no use to you if I don't take care of me first....so that's the only reason I would say "me first".....just so I can be there when it really counts. I will respond to you if you text me/email me...but it will always be short and simple to prevent any misunderstandings. If you REALLY need me, a phone conversation or face to face is the route. I'm am horrible with email and text...HORRIBLE. Trust me on that. I will stay away now. I will think of you from time to time and probably check you out online to make sure that your still rockin' the free world. :) I don't want to hurt you Michelle. I don't know how to make you happy. I do love you Michelle. I love you.

A new home!

The day we got to watch a giant hole get dug into the ground and a new foundation poured was exciting! It felt like we were almost a "normal" family. I remember going to visit our new ranch home in disbelief that we were "rich" enough to have our own home. We were still close by our old trailer park...but this time we would live on "the other side of the tracks"....the "better" side. We had space to play and I could wander down to the woods and still play. I remember very little of "us" and I remember that you had a room across the way from me. I remember you had a little friend who lived down the street and that we built a swing set in the backyard for you. I remember having birthdays and Christmas and family gatherings in the garage. I remember a lot of good times. Usually you would be playing with my younger cousin Marie, Jen and Jason. I generally would be with the older cousins. I think this all made sense considering our age difference. I remember you being a very energetic girl at these types of outings. You like people and you like to talk. You liked to play and you liked to get your way. I can hardly remember how old I was at this age...I think it must have been shortly after Ray entered our lives so it would have had to have been near 8th or 9th grade for me. I remember we use to go to the basement to play because it was so big. I would imagine how cool it would be to have a bowling alley down there. We turned it into a skating rink instead.....I learned how to skate backwards down there around those support poles. You were still in elementary school. Actually..I think you were just in 1st or 2nd grade. I remember mom taking us to your little holiday play/chorus thing once. I remember you were always very busy with kids your own age and playing a lot down the street. I was learning to drive and always going out with my new high school friends. Time went by fast. I remember at some point that you didn't want to live with us any longer and moved in with your dad. I remember feeling like mom was letting go of another kid when that happened and it made me sad. I lost another sibling....but it was easier the second time for me. Experience does give you a certain numbness to similar situations sometimes. I remember that just as I was getting ready for college my blood brother, Rick, had come back into our lives. It was very exciting and very strange at the same time. My Rick was still in 1st grade and/or the fun brother I got to play with when we were 12 in Oklahoma on a summer visit (my one visit with him). We were both so innocent when we had last met and the new Rick was a big shock to me. I wanted to badly to love him endlessly and give him hugs and kisses......but he was different. He was angry and careless. He would be on high on drugs (I think it was crack) and he just wasn't someone I would ever expect to see. I was easily angered by him when he would show up because I knew his actions were hurting mom. She went through a lot of bullshit trying to be a mother to him and he just kept coming back worse (in my opinion). I remember mom gave him a new pair of shoes and then he took them back to the store...got cash and bought drugs. He worked at a hotel where his habit was just fed. He was in a very bad way and I had no idea what to think or do about it other than to be pissed that he would dare come and take advantage of our mom like that. That was a moment when I decided she was our mom...not his. If she was his mom.....he would have never done such a thing. I realize now that this thinking was immature...because a mom is always a mom once she is a mom. I was to young to understand something like that so for a while...I was mad at mom for continuing to give and love this drug addict who just entered our lives. I was mad a you for being to young to see what was going on and for you being mad a me for not talking to him until he got clean. He finally got clean after I was already off to college and started my new adult life. I was lucky to see you and him sparingly throughout the rest of my life thus far. I remember someone in the family telling me that you smoked pot and drank alcohol. You were only 12...or 14...I can't remember. I remember crying and being so upset because I knew it was true. I was only home for a brief visit and there was nothing I could do. You lived in VA now...out of reach. I knew I had to do something though....so I snuck into mom's room late at night (just after I found out) and woke her up. I didn't want Ray to know. I cried and cried and told her that my baby sister was into drugs. It makes me cry now because I was trying to "save" you. I wasn't a "party" kid...so I didn't understand how you would have been one. A part of me blamed Rick for his influence on you. I knew it wasn't from me. At that time, I didn't even know what pot smelled like....but my baby sister did. It wasn't jealously....it was true concern. I didn't want to see you go off on the same path/struggles as Rick. I wanted you to stay "pure and innocent". I never in my life would imagine that this move would make you hate me well into present time. I just couldn't believe that you would hold a grudge against me for trying to help you when you were little. I still don't understand how it hurt you. I got someone who loved you to pay more attention to you and hopefully try to help you. I don't know what happened after I told mom because I was back off to college.....but I wouldn't change the fact that I told her EVER. The other challenging thing for me was when you came out of mom's bathroom during one of my visits and I happened to go in after you. In the toilet there was the remnants of vomit. I had suspected that you had a problem but you were very protective and secretive about it. Once again, I as faced with a dilemma. What to do? I lived far away....what could I do? I tried to approach you but got a cold shoulder. There is only one person in my live who I know loves you more than I do who knows us both....that was mom. So yes....I talked to mom about it because I had no idea what else to do. I didn't want to lose my baby sister to an eating disorder. I didn't and don't understand why you had one. I always thought you were so skinny and beautiful. You naturally have a thin body so why/how in the world could you ever think you were fat? I will never understand it as you do. We are just very different people. I was off in a different world and you had a new brother to visit on weekends. Erie was a very long drive to come an visit me for both mom, Ray and you. At this point in our lives our age really made a difference. You were just entering middle school and I was already in college. There were so many things that I would have loved to have had someone to talk about too...but you were in middle school...so I naturally chose friends my own age and had started my own journey. I would hear from you and mom occasionally. Mostly mom would call every couple of weeks and I would hear or see you on holidays. I remember you visited me once in college when I had my pink hair. I have a picture of this moment....which is why I remember it. I like it...because you got to see me be a "rebel" with my hair and we got a very rare snapshot of us together. You were so young! I was a wild and crazy college kid. By the time you entered college, I was already well into a new career and struggling with more adult things. Michelle, I'm sorry that our lives didn't make us sisters that way you wanted it to be. Our lives were not laid out on a path of what someone would consider typical sisterhood. We weren't taught to nurture each other in a typical sisterly way because we lived two very different lives.....totally not our fault. I don't blame you for anything that caused our distance from one another. It is just there because of circumstances beyond our control. By the time we became adults and able to "fix" things in our world...the "damage" had already been done. I was talking to someone the other day about you and when I mentioned you were 8 years younger....the immediate response was "Wow...that's like two different families.". That person hit the nail on the head.