The doublewide in PA, and a note from you?

I was a bit surprised to see an email from you the other day. "Hi, Heard it through the grapevine another little Daman is on the way! Just wanted to say congratulations, I hope all is well. Things aren't the best between us, we'll still be sisters no matter what. I'm very happy for you guys!" is what you wrote. I suppose it's a start and definitely goes against your swearing to never have anything to do with me again. I know you are hurt from me unfriending you on facebook (to be discussed later) but I felt I had no choice. You brought one of the most precious things I have ever been blessed to have in my life, unfairly into a conversation and used my daughter to make me feel guilty because I wasn't doing something you wanted. That was crossing the line and to boot you completely ignored her and me at a family baby shower....even though I said hi and tried to talk to you. You turned a cold shoulder. I was done trying at the baby shower. I sent you the short note afterwards as a last ditch effort to get you to come around and then just gave up. I realized my energy was better spent focusing on positive things in life....so I started this blog to help release you from my life...but here you are again. My reply was simple, safe and honest. "Thank you. It's nice to see your email." I suppose I wish that you would call and say that you are sorry and you can see why I make the choices I do and accept me for that...but I think that takes a lot of courage and I'm not sure you are ready for such a big step. I tried calling you, talking to you in person, emailing you and getting someone else to let you in on my thoughts......but it all failed so I gave up. I am stubborn once I give up. I feel like giving up on you is similar to getting rid of an old boyfriend. It was time for me to move on. I had to redefine "sister" in my world and accept you as you are in my world. That's where I'm at. I'm going to continue the blog to try to still bring resolution to us and I will just go with the flow from there. I can tell you that although I love you, I don't find it necessary to invite you so easily back into my life. It reminds me a lot of what I went through for years with my birth father. He would come and go out of my life and I'd let him hurt me again and again. I just won't do that ever again. It's a very tough thing that I know you do not understand. When I tried to express that to you last time you got angry and thought I was just saying your life is so much easier than mine. I dont' understand that mentalility. From my perspective, I was trying to let you know my history so you knew my actions and or feelings towards certain things. I was searching for truth and understanding and somehow you saw it as a competition of sorts. I would never want to compete for the worst life. I'd much rather spend my energy making decisions for a better life for the future. For me, I need to know that you truly understand how hurtful the things you have said and done this past year are and believe that you are genuine in your intentions to be "sisters". If I can't be myself around you and make decisions for my family (Dustin/Kaylee/newbaby) without being attacked by you, then I won't have you in my life. That is not an easy pill to swallow but it is something I had to do before with my real father and hopefully not with you. It is something you think of all the time but know it is better and safer to be without. It is all a part of a situation that neither you or I started but it is something we can do something about. It's just about a shift in perspective. I'm waiting for you to see it too. I'm no expert but I'm willing to try if you put forth the effort. This is my effort along with the other stuff I did. MOVING ON... When we moved back to Pennslyvania from Maryland, things were more stable. At first we lived with Uncle Jeff (R.I.P.) and Aunt Joyce. I think we stayed in the finished basement but I honestly can't remember....or maybe I was just there for before and after school. I really don't remember. I remember being at their home A LOT and I remember being made fun of by some mean boy on the bus because I somehow got scabies on my legs and wasn't allowed to shave for awhile. He called me sasquatch. He was very mean and his name was Paul...that's all I remember. I had no one to talk to about it because we had just moved back. I was in 6th grade and just had turned 12. You were just 4....we live different lives. I was talking to someone the other day and she said that having kids 8 years apart is almost like having two seperate families. I truly believe that. I wish you would see that and understand that I was just kid in a different world than you even though we have the same mother and lived under the same roof. I just can't grasp the fact that you are angry at me for some things that I never knew even impacted you (like locking yyou out of my room when I was a teenager and you were still a baby). Anyways, Mom was able to make enough money to rent some land in a trailer park and buy us a brand new double wide home. I think the place was called Country Meadows. It was suppose to be a retirement community but that slowly did not last. I remember being so excited because I would have my own room, no more sharing with you or cousins and it was something we owned. I remember standing in awe in her new master bath. It was huge! A nice garden tub and I couldn't wait to take a bath in it. I learned quickly that it was mostly mom's bath and we shared the one down the hall. It was shortly after we moved into this trailer that mother met Ray. We spent some nights at his log cabin house in the woods and most weekn nights in our trailer. We got a deck built on the trailer and we had a pool that we could go to. During the summer I remember being home alone a lot. I have no idea where mom took you but we were seperate. I spent my days going to the pool and learning how to play basketball (street basketball). I would buy a gallon of water and drink the whole thing as I played for nearly 5 hours on the blacktop. I also would go out, when we would visit Ray's house, and play in the woods for hours upon hours alone. I would explore every last little crook, creek and cranny. I loved the woods. It reminded me of when I lived in Virginia and would play in the woods. I suppose you were always with mom at this point. I was always out exploring the world and you were just learning about the world. I was still pretty introverted and didn't really talk to adults at the time. I was still angry about a lot of things. I remember mom asked me if I wanted to go to beauty school to learn how to do my hair and makeup and stuff. ....uhhh...NO. I think she was trying to help get me out of my shell. I'm glad she tried. She finally found something that did it. Summer Camp. This was a major life changer for me. I found a save place to share my love for the woods with other similiar kids. I fell in love with camp like nothing I have ever had before. AFter the week of camp was over I was so distraught that I couldn't stop crying. Ray noticed the drastic impact on me and paid my way for the next week. I got to go back and I love to this day for that. Summer camp saved me and helped make me have the positive outlook on things that I do today. You were too little to share this experience with me. I'm sorry you missed this part of my life Michelle....it was fantastic and I do wish I could somehow help you experience it in some way because I believe it would have helped you too. Somewhere in this time of 6th and 7th grade, there was a girl at school (Shannon) who would make fun of my big eyes. I remember feeling so small and hurt by her mean words. I looked around once at an assembly and she got right in my face and said:"Oh my GOD you have HUGE FROG EYES!". Some of the boys around her laughed. I never thought my eyes were pretty until I grew up enough to know better. Being a new girl in a huge school was difficult...especially a new girl from "Germany". The culture her was different. There were kids that knew each other since kindergarten....I could only dream of a realtionship like that. I was truly an outsider. To make things worse, Mom insisted on brushing my hair. Curly hair and brushes do not go together. Never have and Never will. I was a huge poofball. I remember one time I had saved all my allowance to buy these white leather K-Swiss shoes. The second day I had them, I had gym class. When I came back in from class someone had stolen my shoes. I flipped out. It was my one and only flip out in a public place. I was so pissed. I used the F-bomb all over the place and kicked a garbage can. I was so angry. I had worked and saved so hard to buy those and some asshole stole them. I spent the next month looking down at shoes to try and find them with no success. It sucked. You were too small for me to talk to about it. I was alone...but I don't ever blame you for that. It is just what it is...that's all. Well...I have to go now.

AFTER Germany. Our life continued.

Dear Michelle, I am up very early on a Saturday morning and thought of you. I found out that I am now pregnant with Baby #2 and realized that I need to continue this blog to help me heal from your absence and to accept that you could be gone forever. I will be ok with that because this blog is helping me realize a lot of things that just helped you and I fall into the situation that we are in. I'm ok with accepting that we are two different people and are polar opposites. We were raised at two completely different times by almost two different families or means. We've been acquaintances, for lack of better words, for most of our lives. That's ok. It happens. We've been struggling to make this relationship into something we think it should be rather than just accepting it as it is. I don't think we should be upset by anything now. Perhaps it is my preggo mind talking...but it makes sense and I have a sense of peace about it. You are my sister but that doesn't mean anything other than we share the same mother and some of the same memories. I have had several friends throughout my life that I have had similar experiences with and I'm completely accepting that they are no longer in my life. They were gifts in my life and there in the moment of my life that I needed them......and so are you. I'm ok with that. We are around for one another when we need it and no more thought than that should go into it. Right now, I use your actions as a catalyst to review my past and to forgive your hurtful intentions. The hurt is my problem. I'm the one that feels it and I'm the one that deals with it. Perhaps it makes you feel better and that is what you have to do for yourself. I forgive you if you don't realize how your behavior, in my world, is completely inappropriate and mean. I hope that you can see one day how that came to be. I think that maybe you have some deeper demons to deal with and I am just an easy comfortable target for your hurt. My challenge is to see how I handle it. For my own health, keeping minimal contact with you is the answer. I don't know how you got the the point you are at but I know you are in no way ready to admit it to me. I know you want to be loving and that you love the idea of a perfect family. I guess I've just realized that the imperfect things in life really are the most perfect things for the world at the moment. I believe in the balance of the world and that there is a reason for every movement and every action. We don't have to necessarily like what is going on, but we would be idiots to not learn from it. So...AFTER GERMANY: I vaguely remember living with Grandma and Grandpa for a short little blurb of time. We moved to Maryland and live with Aunt Janie for a little while until mom found us this really tiny and pretty crappy little apartment. I only say crappy because I remember that it was near a junkyard, there was a cat I called "kitty" that always smelled like tar and begged for food (my little friend), and slugs would come in under the door and crawl into mom's slippers during the night. It was a tiny dark little place. You were 5 or 6. I was in 5th grade. Mom made a deal with the catholic school (St. John's) to get me to go there for free. We just had to agree to go to the masses. I'm not a fan of catholic school. There is no creativity in it. No individualism and I am most certainly a free and individual thinker. I remember they got made because I was smart enough to wear sweatpants under my "lovely" maroon plaid skirt on the coldest of days. The teachers didn't like that I figured out to wear shorts under my skirt so I could do flips and play on the swings. I refused to wear those stupid looking maroon pants. Who does that? Maroon plaid pants? Really? No way was I going to do that. I outsmarted them and they let me know their distaste for it. I think I learned to be a rebel there. I learned how important it was to stand up for what you believe is right and as an adult I see how important it is to encourage, rather than inhibit, this sort of free thinking. I guess that school was good for me after all. I have to say I don't remember you at all during this time. I remember we shared a tiny little closet of a room that mom painted some Disney characters in to make it more cheery. We shared a bunk bed, me on top and you on the bottom. I remember always bumping my head on the ceiling. I remember I kissed a boy behind mom's truck one day (so she couldn't see it). It was a quick peck and he was the junkyard owner's son. He intrigued me because of that. I remember pouring salt on the door stoop to keep the slugs from coming in and I remember asking mom for two dollars so I could use it with my allowance to buy her flowers for mother's day. I somehow figured out how to call a florist and order it all....and thank goodness they did. Mom, to this day, remembers it...and that makes me feel proud. I helped her feel better in one of her darkest times. I remember seeing her a little tipsy once. It's the only time I have ever, in my life, seen her tipsy. She was going on a date with a guy and I was left alone at the house. I don't think I was baby sitting you but I couldn't be sure. I barely remember you there. I must have been so focused on just surviving and trying to make sense of this drastically different way of life. I remember I started menstruation, shaving my legs and got constipated for the first time in that dark little hole. We had a very ugly couch too. Everything in my memory of that place is dark and dusty. When I think of it today, I think of the word "alone". I must have been so lonely and lost. This was a very dark time for mom and I. I learned how to play the recorder and I remember I had one friend. Her name was Nicole. She was a bit of a rebel too and she rode the bus with me. I would pick the bus up from Aunt Janie's. One day Nicole's dog had to be put to sleep because he lost his lower jaw after being run over (a German Shepard). It was raining that day and I remember telling her that the rain was her dog's tears for her. I also remember a short time later telling mom that the reason there were so many dead squirrels on the side of the road was because they "missed" the branch across the road they were aiming for. Mom found it hysterically funny and couldn't stop laughing at "how cute" it was. I've always been a pretty good thinker and a creative inventor. I see that now. I am proud of that. My life was unstable and mom was barely holding it together. Part of the reason my husband and I have decided to stay home for the holidays is to help provide my daughter and (mostly) me with a sense of stability. It's a memory we can start now to create. A stable moment in each year that is consistent and unchanging. Change is good, but too much change leaves one wishing for a more dull life sometimes. I think my need to stay in my own home with my own family for the holidays is a healthy was to restore stability to my life to make up for the instability as a child. I am glad for this revelation because it makes me even more sure that our decision to stay, although making you angry, home for the holidays was the absolute best decision we could have made. I still don't remember you Michelle. I must have blocked you out when your father took you away from me as a sister. He made it clear that you were his and I was not. I belonged to nobody but mom. I had lost my real father, my adoptive father, my best friend brother and now my little sister along with countless friends left behind. I guess after that much loss a little kid just shuts down. It appears that I did because it was all that I could do to even make the memories mentioned above. I'm sorry that this happened to me Michelle and that I was not able to be there for you. I'm sorry that I, as the 11 year old, was not able to give you memories as the three year old that you were. I just did the math...you were THREE. I wish I could somehow have made you more pertinent in my memory and maybe been the sister you expect but I was eleven and you were three and we were both victims of unfortunates circumstances in our lives. I so wish that you could see that and not hold it against me because I certainly don't hold it against you for being three. Recently you accused me of thinking my life was so much worse than yours. I'm not sure you know my life or me for that matter in order to say something so hurtful. I've never tried to compete to see whose life was worse. I've only used my past to try and help me understand my present and make a better future. I've used it to try and help others see how the past affects us, including you, in the decision we make. I just don't know how sharing that somehow made you think I was trying to "compete" and compare us to one another. Selfishly, I'm more concerned about myself and my own life, for myself, rather than trying to compare myself to someone who is completely different than me. It just doesn't make sense. I have no reason to ever try and "compete" with you. You and are are from completely different planets and there is no comparison. I am me and you are you. We dont' have to like it but it is certainly no reason to be hateful towards one another. I just don't understand why you are so angry with me because I don't fit your definition of what you expect of me Michelle. I'm sorry that I disappoint you but I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I like who I am and I believe I do good and right things. That's all that really matters Michelle. If you do what you think is good and right, then it is for you. I truly believe if you feel deep down happy about your actions and feel no anger then you are doing the right thing. I don't, however, believe that you are at the point. I think you are very angry because I see it in your actions, your tone and your facial expressions. Others see it too. I wish there was some way I could help, but I've realized that my life is about me and your life is not for me to try and "solve" or help. I'm here if you need me, but that is your move to make, no mine. I'm not in the business of telling others how to run their lives. And I'm certainly in no position to try and share my life stories with someone who speaks a completely different language than me. If I had all the time in the world, then perhaps I would learn your language or help to teach you mine. I'm sorry that I just can't do that for you Michelle. I hope you find your happiness. Ironically, if you ever read this, I feel like me hoping you will find your happiness will just make you mad. I'm not implying that you aren't happy, there is always more happiness to be obtained in the world. In fact, I believe there is a shortage....and I hope you find more. I love you Michelle. I hope you are doing well. Next time, our next move will be to the double-wide in PA. I have some memories of you, but not a whole lot. We will see what the next post will bring.